Combatting the Darkness

It's been quite a while since I last wrote a blog post on this page. I did start up another blog page with another provider but I had not motivation for it. My motivation to return to this blog page is that this is where I grew the most through the difficult times. I'm hoping that by blogging now I can grow through the difficult time I'm experiencing now.

My depression and anxiety have returned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I feel very angry about it all.

I'm angry because I know that it is because external factors are contributing to me feeling as though I'm falling further and further into a pit. It's a pit that I'm familiar with, but this time there are some different variables to take into account. 

Tween daughter. Different job. PTSD. Fear. Aloneness. 

There are approximately 7.4 billion people in the world. I Googled this earlier when I was "having a moment of despair" because I wanted to know why, with the enormity of the world's population, I feel so desperately alone and helpless. A sad but true fact.

I know that answer, and that answer for me is because it's not people that will fill the hole in my heart (aka soul). It's Jesus. 

Now, this post isn't about getting all "preachy", but merely the means to share my heart so that it can be free of some of the angst that it holds. Jesus is part of my journey. And anyway, I don't do "preachy".

As I type I can feel my anxiety easing. That could also be because it's 1:48am AEST and I've had a big ugly cry, a hot shower and a cup of tea. But I also know that it's because I happened on a friend's blog page (blog page since deleted) and her words have helped me immensely. 

You see, my friend is also going through a similar thing (I say similar because everyone's journey is different and I don't do comparisons). She is a fellow Tasmanian girl who needs a blog page, needs her hubby, needs her mum, and also needs help to heal the hole in her heart.

Aloneness aka loneliness (I usually separate the two, but tonight they are one and the same for me) is a cruel enemy that preys upon those who are weakened physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Social media is not filling the hole. IRL (in real life) connection is not filling the hole. But it seems that typing these words is. Oh, and Jesus.

I'm going to be brave and post more. I'm going to share my heart and my weaknesses (and strengths once they start to return!). I'm going to move forward and not let the darkness take over.

Paula xo

I'm Guest Posting Today!

My beautiful SFAM (read the post to find out what this means) Jo is running a series of 'Revision' posts and guest posts over the next month or more. And guess who is featured first...???  Yes, it's moi!  I am so blessed.

Please pop on over to Jo's blog - {Princess Warrior Lessons} - and read what I have to say!

Mental Health Week, 9-15 October 2011...

Mental Health Week, 9-15 October 2011

Depression and anxiety don't discriminate. Do you?

Depression and anxiety can affect anyone at any time but often, people won't talk about how they're feeling because they're worried what others will think.

Don't let discrimination and stigma stop you, or someone else, from getting help.

Depression and anxiety can affect people's thoughts, mood, behaviour and physical health. They are common illnesses - around one million Australian adults have depression and two million have an anxiety disorder. If it's not you, it could be someone you know.

People with depression and anxiety need to talk to a doctor or other health professional to get appropriate treatment.

beyondblue Acting CEO Clare Shann is encouraging everyone to make an effort during Mental Health Week, to help break down the stigma associated with depression and anxiety.

"This year, we will be aligning our awareness-raising efforts with Mental Health Week, which runs from Sunday 9 October to Saturday 15 October. Mental Health Week is a national awareness event, held every October and incorporates World Mental Health Day (Monday 10 October).

"During Mental Health Week, we are asking everyone - individuals, community groups, schools and workplaces - to help raise awareness of depression and anxiety, and reduce the associated stigma. beyondblue information materials that can be displayed in workplaces, schools or community centres during Mental Health Week can be ordered via the beyondblue website from September," says Clare.

Get the facts about depression and anxiety at www.beyondblue.org.au or call 1300 22 4636.

For more information on how to get involved with Mental Health Week, go to beyondblue: the national depression initiative - Share our newsletter article for Mental Health Week 2011

Changing My Mind...

I was going to offer up a whingy and straight from the heart post about why I felt in a slump today, but the more I wrote, the more I realised that it would do me, nor you, no good. It would not truly reflect how I've been feeling today, not would it be productive. The people and circumstances that contributed towards my slump are irrelevant in the scheme of things, as I realise that it's my reaction to these things that really matters.

So, as I left my daughter with her dad and his family this morning, feeling in my slump and all, I decided that I was going to have a day out at the art gallery and enjoy some time alone, away from home. I decided that I would not let the reactions and expectations of one person put a dampner on what could be a great day.

And I'm glad I did.

God blessed me with a visually inspiring day that delighted my soul.

God blessed me with a goal achieving day, even if it was just catching the bus home from a different stop.

God blessed me with getting out in the fresh air to remind me that while I am alone I need not feel lonely.

God blessed me with the ability to keep going despite the fact that all I wanted to do was be at home curled up in a ball in bed crying.

Yes, such is the life of someone dealing with depression and anxiety. After an anxiety filled morning, a sudden shift in mood due to another person's relentless and unrealistic expectation of me, and the disappointment of feeling that I wasn't respected, I was ready to let the "black dog" take away my joy.

I'm so glad I stopped and listened to the Navy band play in the CBD today.

I'm so glad I went to the art gallery and spent a good 2 hours delighting in artists from years, decades and centuries gone by.

I'm so glad I remembered that it's my reaction inside that resonates more than the circumstances without.

I'm so glad that I pushed passed the pain and hurt and delighted in what God had pre-planned for me to enjoy.

I'm so glad I changed my mind.

Looking from the Inside Out...

After a pretty rough and tough sleep last night, and an anxiety filled afternoon, I decided to share, via a photo, of how my brain has been looking at my outside world today.  Pretty crazy, but therein lies what a person who suffers from anxiety and depression has to deal with.

I'm looking forward to a cup of spearmint and camomile tea and an early night ... and also praying for a cruisey remainder of the working week.

Silencing the Voices & Authenticity...

I’m not the best with words sometimes; they can be ill-timed and ill-written. While I write a blog page, that type of writing isn’t the “off the cuff” status updates that are posted on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve been stung a bit lately by status updates that I’ve either posted or responded to on Facebook. It’s left me wondering why I bother at times (yes, pity party material, I know) so I decided earlier this week to take a break from the cyberwaves. This included both Facebook and Twitter.

Now, as Twitter can be a somewhat more of an encouraging medium than Facebook (hold on...don’t get shirty just yet!) I decided to return to Twitter this morning. And ... I also decided that I would deactivate my Facebook page so that I am not tempted to sneak a peek at what my peeps there have been doing.

What is my reason for this? Aside from wanting to spend less time on social networking I decided to deactivate to answer a few questions that were planted in my mind a few weeks back.

“What would my days be like if the first thing I did when I got up was NOT check Facebook, Twitter or my email account?”

“What would I do if I DIDN’T know what my peeps were doing every single day of the week?”

“What would my life be like?”

Well, I’m about to find out. Yes, I still have my Facebook Fan Page, my Twitter account and my email, but I don’t have access to see what my family and friends are thinking, saying and doing on a daily – even hourly – basis.

I suffered a nervous breakdown just over 18 months ago, and no, it was not nice. And last year, twelve months after the first breakdown, I suffered another one. For those who have suffered, or suffer from, depression and anxiety, I’m sure you can understand when I say that part of the healing process is lessening the voices in your head. Cutting back on my cyberspace time is part of this process.

I need less of the voices in my head and more of His voice in every part of my life.

It’s not that I don’t love and care about my family and friends; I DO! I just feel that at this point in time it’s best if I cut back on my distractions. Now, please don’t misinterpret that ... by distractions, I mean that I have been guilty of looking through status updates, photos and profile pages instead of spending time with my daughter, with God, or doing much needed tasks around the house, never mind my IRL (In Real Life) family and friends!

As for Twitter being more encouraging than Facebook ... well, there are less “haters” on there, tweets are short, and there is more information about things in general that is shared compared to what someone might be having for breakfast that day (said with tongue in cheek for those who are aware of my cheekiness).

Galatians 5:25-26 from The Message resonated with me last week and I felt it was an answer from God to the questions I posed above.

“Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.”

I don’t want my life with Jesus to be just a sentiment. I want Him in every part of it.

I’ve found that Facebook can sometimes be about comparison too. Friends have even called it Fakebook because that is what some people can be on there.

Deborah West (@DeborahSWest) challenged my authenticity the other day: “As a writer, am I telling my story or God's story? (conviction)”. It got me wondering if as a social networker am I appearing as the real Paula or a fake version? Am I jazzing up my life to make me seem more popular to others. As a reformed people pleaser, I hope not and I also don’t think so. I believe I am authentic, and have actually been recognised for my transperancy.

The sentence that really stood out from the verses above was, “We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.” It’s not that Facebook isn’t interesting, but when we look at our mission in life as Christians, what is really more important? Scanning profile pages, or actually living the life God pre-destined for us. Yes, we must connect with others and be Jesus in flesh, but I feel there can be a limit. I know that for myself there certainly is.

I want to live on purpose. I want to make EVERY. MOMENT. COUNT. I want to make sure I am walking the walk as well as talking the talk. I want to “live creatively”. I want to share more of my daughter’s life. I want to heal from my depression and anxiety. I want healing in my neck, which I sprained almost 5 weeks ago and it’s still not better. And at the moment I want NO distractions while God works on me; while He focuses my mind on things for His glory. Taking a break means I can do all this.

My Mosaic Heart...

Three and a half years ago a crack appeared in my heart after God planted a seed of truth in my life that, unbeknownst to me, would grow and slowly take me on a journey of ultimate truth, discovery and healing. But not without my heart breaking completely.

Over the last 3 and a half years God slowly and gently - and not so gently - showed me more and more truths that I needed to know. To be honest, God could have kept these truths to Himself because at the time they caused such confusion and heartache! But, He was persistent and kept revealing them to me. And oh, how they hurt! I’ve been through some heartache in my almost 41 years, but never, and I mean NEVER, have I felt anything as painful and devastating as what I went through on this latest journey.

As I get closer to my place of being healed and overcoming the beast that is depression and anxiety, I can now look back with clarity...and thanks to God...that I endured and survived (AMEN!) the changes and growth that He brought into my life.

I was taken to places that I never thought I would go. I discovered things that shocked and disgusted me. And I did things that no woman should be expected to do by someone who supposedly loves her!

It’s taken me a while to forgive and move forward, but I have reached that place now. There are still times when a memory hurts and ALL the pain returns, but it’s not as harsh so I can live with it now. Before, guilt, shame, regret, hurt and all those other icky emotions that the enemy would have me believe, would take over and consume me. But no more! (Sorry Satan...you lose!)

With each playing their respective parts in my life, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit have all lovingly brought me to the place I am at now. The broken pieces of my heart have been pieced back together like a mosaic. Not in the same place, not perfect, but still a work of love – and art – by my Maker.

Are You Tired?

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." - Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)

I am tired, worn out and burned out by life. I’m feeling rather discombobulated at the moment, after having an OK run emotionally for a little while. I don’t like feeling discombobulated. It’s uncomfortable and it makes me uneasy. That’s why the verse above gave me so much comfort.

It is my medicine that my dear friend, Jo at Princess Warrior Lessons sends me when she knows I need encouraging words from our Father. And oh, how I did this afternoon. You see, I was judgemental of someone and I shouldn’t have been. I should have showed grace, but I didn’t. It sent me into a tailspin. But it was the tailspin I needed, although it left me feeling discombobulated and uneasy.

Jo also sent me the verse below as part of my medicine dosage today, and it’s reminded me that I have to endure. I have to be patient. I have to rest in the loving arms of my Heavenly Father while my healing comes.

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.” - Romans 15:4 (NIV, ©2010)

I have daily reminders of why I get discombobulated. A photo will remind me of a happier time. A memory will also. A promise of what will never be does too. I know these things are sent to strengthen me, but it doesn’t stop me from hurting. From feeling betrayed and let down. But, as Jo reminded me this evening, while humans will let me down, and vice versa, God will never let me down.

I am to focus on Him. Keep Him set right before me. He, after all, is the One who told me about ‘fact not feeling’. How that I am to remember the cold, hard facts of events that occurred in the past (note that...IN THE PAST) and to move passed the feelings. It’s not easy, but with Him I know that I will overcome.

He is GREAT AND GLORIOUS. He will provide a way forward for me. He will help me overcome my depression and anxiety. He will show me – in His time – what He has pre-destined for my life.

I am still tired, worn out and burned out, but God is faithful, ever-loving, and ever-present. He will see that I get the rest I need and the renewing so that I can be all who He knows me to be.

Using Mental Illness As a Cop Out...

I have a mental illness; I suffer from depression and anxiety. And I take little white pills to help me cope with my illness. Over the last two weeks of my life I have descended into some pretty low places, even having thoughts about "that" but knowing that I would never do it. I have had angry outbursts and occasionally behaved in ways that I should not have. But throughout all of this, I have never disrespected someone to the point where I have hurt them deeply. This I know, because everyone who I have had dealings with over the last two weeks is still speaking to me, and loving me just the same!

The same can't be said for others I know that suffer from a mental illness and how they have treated me. I know that mental illness does CRAZY things to one's brain; I go there all the time, I KNOW! But having a mental illness should not be license to disrespect people and hurt their feelings, and avoid them like they have the plague!

My feelings have been hurt (can you tell?). Someone whom I thought was a friend and a support, for reasons of their own mental illness, hurt my feelings badly. We are now not speaking outside a hello, goodbye and occasional unavoidable communication that we still must have.
As I am a flight person I have left this person alone. But it still hurts. I would desperately love to be a fight person and sort out what the issue is and mend bridges, but with dealing with my own mental illness at this point in time I am avoiding what could possibly be a confrontational situation. In fact, I'm avoiding all confrontational situations at this point in time!

But it got me thinking how some people with mental illness will use the illness as a cop out for not really dealing with the issue at hand; themselves. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the word, and I will be the first to apologise for any crazy, mental illness related behaviour, but I am dealing with mine.
I don't like to be hurt and I don't like to hurt others. But why should I use my mental illness to deflate others? I shouldn't. Should I use my mental illness as a crutch to get through life? No, I shouldn't. Should I put every negative thing I do down to the fact that I have a mental illness? No. But why not? More like, why for? What does it gain?

It loses friends for you, it makes others uncomfortable, it hurts people and it scars! It also stops the person from confronting - really dealing with - the issue at hand; the issue of their mental illness. The fact that they need to actively get help to get better.

Now I don't know what this person is doing to get better, but I do know that I am praying that healing comes. I recognised all the signs in this person as I have acted the same. So, I knew what was coming. But, nevertheless, it still hurts.

If you have a mental illness, don't let it define who you are or use it as an excuse to live out your illness and hurt others. People deserve better, especially when they don't understand all there is to know about mental illness. I'm blessed in that I do know and I've cut this person some slack and provided space. Others may not be so blessed.

Life With Little White Pills...

I take a little white pill to get through every day. I won't hide the fact, or be embarrassed by the fact. Why? It's because, at this point in my life, I need it. And I'm not the only one who needs it. There are countless others in the world (one in four) who need it.

People who need help every single day of their lives to correct a chemical imbalance that is the illness called anxiety and depression.

I have a family history of anxiety and depression. I've suffered from anxiety and depression on and off for over ten years. I've experienced the highs and lows of this illness. I've even had what I consider the worst ever anxiety attack at my work place that left me numb on one side of my body and unable to walk.

But do I define myself as an anxious and depressed person? I used to. But now, I am a woman who is dealing with - overcoming - anxiety and depression. The condition may never leave me, or maybe it will. Only God knows that. But in the mean time, I will continue to take my little white pill, do my breathing exercises, avoid negative people and situations, and see my psychologist and counsellor.

Someone else who takes little white pills is Carlos Whittaker. I've been following Carlos aka @loswhit on Twitter for quite some time now. And I also receive daily email updates from his blog page, Ragamuffin Soul. Carlos blogged about his need for little white pills yesterday. I'm so glad he did. The greater general public need to be made more aware of the illness known as anxiety and depression. Carlos is helping spread the word through his own personal circumstance.

I know that God has my illness in hand. I know that one day, by His grace, a turning point will come when I either have it or I don't. I'm praying for the latter, but if God gives me it as a "thorn in my side" forever, then I will accept that. For the moment I take my little white pill and pray.

On Becoming An Emotional Kung Fu Master...

On my journey through depression and anxiety, I have read some awesome books and received some brilliant advice. Until yesterday, however, I have never read anything as succinct and informative as this blog post by McZizzle at The Ripple Effect on Deadly Techniques from the School of Emotional Kung Fu!

I won't ruin the fun and enlightenment for you, so I will just let you read it! You will NOT regret it! It's one of the BEST articles I've ever read on dealing with depression.

Longhand Thoughts...

I'm sitting in a cafe as I write this. My favourite thing to do next to my "God-tea" time every evening (and thanks Paula V. for the name!). I have my Bible, a notebook and pen and a much needed coffee. Today I've ordered garlic pizza bread, a small apple crumble and a mug of cappuccino. Delicious!

I have really no idea what to write about today so I'll just start. It's been just over a week since I've posted. This last week of my life was very...how do I describe it really? It was monumental! From the worst anxiety attacked I've ever experienced to finding out - finally - that I start my new job tomorrow. Mix those things in with everything else that comes from both, you could say it's been monumentally huge!

The week has been filled with a myriad of emotions. From feeling wonderfully content to fearful to angry and then to glad. I've been around the emotional merry-go-round one too many times this last week to even think about anymore! But you know the one constant in all of this, besides my WONDERFUL support network? Yes, it's God and His unfailing love for me.

Psalm 25 was a message from God that brought me a lot of peace this week. It's about turning to God and exhorting Him for the wonderful Father He is. It's about asking Him to guide me. Pointing out what He will willingly do for me because He loves me. It's about repenting and laying everything before God so I can accept His mercy and grace and move forward. It's about who God is.

It's a reminder that He is ALWAYS there. Ever powerful, always loving and wonderfully forgiving.

The world may scorn me and push to bring me down, but God's constant presence will keep me walking on the high road. I have discovered a lot of truths about myself over the last week. The fact that I need to learn assertiveness to effectively communicate my needs and wants to others to then reduce my anxiety levels.

I am not someone who is overly shy, but I do feel intimidated easily. If I feel someone is attacking me personally, I retreat. I am a "flight" kind of person opposed to a "fight" kind of person. (But push me enough and the "fight" will emerge!) I am, however, going to learn how to be better grounded in the middle of these two extremes. Between drawing closer to God, and also seeing a Christian psychologist, I am going to become the woman God knows me to really be. The woman that He keeps giving me snippets of just to whet my appetite and keep pursuing Him.

Other events from this last week include the women's connect group I am leading. I am also actively helping, and lending a godly listening ear, to women in need. Women who are where I once was. But more about that in a future post!

Praise God for His goodness and constant presence in my life over the last week, and always! He is changing me and healing me. And I am welcome for both.

An Odd Sense of Calm...

Sitting here with only the light of my desk lamp and my laptop screen illuminating the room, I am experiencing an odd sense of calm after a somewhat hectic day. Life has presented itself with a myriad of experiences, emotions and outcomes in the past few months. Ask me a year ago where I’d be today, and I would not have said it was going to be here. I actually had no idea where I’d be today. I knew I’d be living where I am and working where I work, etc. But I didn’t know that I’d feel such the full sense of empowerment in my life as I do right now.

God has blessed me more than I ever imagined possible. To go from an anxiety riddled almost 40 year old a year ago, to a confident and calm 40 year old today; “Wow!” is all I can say!

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

These are the four verses that saved my sanity this time 13 months ago; that and a gentle dose of anti-depressants. The little white pills, however, cannot override the fact that by giving my worries and concerns over to God I am now feeling an odd sense of calm and freedom today that I had no idea existed!

To put my transformation into words is difficult. Sometimes when I think about it, all I want to do is cry. And not out of sadness or remorse for the pain and suffering I’ve been through, but because of an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I feel towards God for enlightening me, loving me, and waiting patiently for me for 18 years.

And yes, I am crying now as I type this. I’ve had a very full day with my daughter. I slept badly last night and woke in pain from my aching right side that reacts badly to certain foods and heat. I’ve struggled to think straight on occasion today, but through all of this I gave my pain and brain fog to God. I knew that if I stopped worrying about how I would cope, then – through Him – I would be able to cope. And I did.

I have made some amazing breakthroughs over the last month. I’ve not only discovered why I have anxiety/panic attacks, but I have also figured out why I succumbed to depression again 5 years ago. The anxiety/panic attacks come from negative emotional reactions to past experiences that have been filed away in my memory bank. When I am placed in a similar situation to when I first experienced these negative emotional reactions, my memory bank decides to take all of these emotions out of the vault and deposit them all in my brain at the same time. Talk about overload!

As for the depression, I figured out that my depression reared its ugly head again five years ago when my relationship with my daughter’s father became more than unstable. The end was nigh, but neither of us knew what to do about it. And, as with all things during our relationship, I was the one that was left to do something about it. A lot of pressure! Prior to that, my last bought of depression was in mid 1997 when my now ex-husband first told me that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Now I see the connection.

Negative emotional reactions, rejection, disharmony, abandonment, failure; these are all things that I’ve experienced in the past that now cause me to get anxious and depressed. But...no more!

I’m now staking my claim, through God and the cleansing blood of Jesus, and speaking victory over my life, that I will be an overcomer and not be affected by these things any longer. Yes, I will still experience some “residue” from these conditions for some time, but I am not going to define myself by these conditions.l

God has my life in His hands. He has wisdom that surpasses anything that we can ever imagine. His foolishness is greater than our wisdom. I learnt a valuable lesson 13 months ago, and that was to give my concerns over to God. Since then I have given my life over to Him. I am here for Him, and for the needs of others.

"How are you today, Paula?"

Trying to describe how I'm actually feeling at the moment is a difficult task. I get asked, "How are you today, Paula?" and all I can do is reply honestly and say, "I'm doing OK. Feeling a bit tired, anxious and irritable, but that will pass."

Most people that I deal with on a daily basis know that I suffer from depression and anxiety. And most know that just over a week ago my brain decided to have a meltdown.

I haven't had an anxiety attack for a while now, and I know that it's because God has had me on a journey to get to where I am now. That journey kept me positive, focused and anxiety and depression free. That all changed two weeks ago today. The enemy decided to throw a spanner in the works and upset my apple cart of peace.

I, for the first time in a long time (or even in all my life), was feeling whole. I was free of my past and was looking ahead at my future with God as Number One. The enemy, who we all know uses familiarity and lies to upset us, used the one person who I had moved on from to attempt to pull me back into the pit of despair that I had been in.

So, two weeks later...has the enemy succeeded? No. And he never will. Yes, I am feeling tired, anxious and irritable. I am still muddle-headed and don't have a lot of motivation or energy. But deep inside my heart is a warmth dwelling. A light shining. A promise that has been rewarded.

Deep inside my heart is God's love for me. In whom I am now; not defined by who I was or what I did in the past. But now. Today.

God's love for me in unconditional, unfailing, everlasting and true. He does not make pie crust promises and break them. He does not say one thing and then change His mind to mean another. He does not lord it over me to make me feel inferior. He just loves me. And through this display of love, He comforts, guides, disciplines, strengthens and heals me. He is so much more than I'd ever imagined.

So, how am I today? I am still tired, anxious and irritable, but I can give these things to God and rely on His strength to see the day through.