Saturday, 4 March 2017

Combatting the Darkness

It's been quite a while since I last wrote a blog post on this page. I did start up another blog page with another provider but I had not motivation for it. My motivation to return to this blog page is that this is where I grew the most through the difficult times. I'm hoping that by blogging now I can grow through the difficult time I'm experiencing now.

My depression and anxiety have returned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I feel very angry about it all.

I'm angry because I know that it is because external factors are contributing to me feeling as though I'm falling further and further into a pit. It's a pit that I'm familiar with, but this time there are some different variables to take into account. 

Tween daughter. Different job. PTSD. Fear. Aloneness. 

There are approximately 7.4 billion people in the world. I Googled this earlier when I was "having a moment of despair" because I wanted to know why, with the enormity of the world's population, I feel so desperately alone and helpless. A sad but true fact.

I know that answer, and that answer for me is because it's not people that will fill the hole in my heart (aka soul). It's Jesus. 

Now, this post isn't about getting all "preachy", but merely the means to share my heart so that it can be free of some of the angst that it holds. Jesus is part of my journey. And anyway, I don't do "preachy".

As I type I can feel my anxiety easing. That could also be because it's 1:48am AEST and I've had a big ugly cry, a hot shower and a cup of tea. But I also know that it's because I happened on a friend's blog page and her words have helped me immensely. 

You see, Jess is also going through a similar thing (I say similar because everyone's journey is different and I don't do comparisons). Jess is a fellow Tasmanian girl who needs a blog page, needs her hubby, needs her mum, and also needs help to heal the hole in her heart.

Aloneness aka loneliness (I usually separate the two, but tonight they are one and the same for me) is a cruel enemy that preys upon those who are weakened physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Social media is not filling the hole. IRL (in real life) connection is not filling the hole. But it seems that typing these words is. Oh, and Jesus.

I'm going to be brave and post more. I'm going to share my heart and my weaknesses (and strengths once they start to return!). I'm going to move forward and not let the darkness take over.

Paula xo

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