Saturday, 13 November 2010

An Odd Sense of Calm...

Sitting here with only the light of my desk lamp and my laptop screen illuminating the room, I am experiencing an odd sense of calm after a somewhat hectic day. Life has presented itself with a myriad of experiences, emotions and outcomes in the past few months. Ask me a year ago where I’d be today, and I would not have said it was going to be here. I actually had no idea where I’d be today. I knew I’d be living where I am and working where I work, etc. But I didn’t know that I’d feel such the full sense of empowerment in my life as I do right now.

God has blessed me more than I ever imagined possible. To go from an anxiety riddled almost 40 year old a year ago, to a confident and calm 40 year old today; “Wow!” is all I can say!

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” –
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” –
Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

These are the four verses that saved my sanity this time 13 months ago; that and a gentle dose of anti-depressants. The little white pills, however, cannot override the fact that by giving my worries and concerns over to God I am now feeling an odd sense of calm and freedom today that I had no idea existed!

To put my transformation into words is difficult. Sometimes when I think about it, all I want to do is cry. And not out of sadness or remorse for the pain and suffering I’ve been through, but because of an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I feel towards God for enlightening me, loving me, and waiting patiently for me for 18 years.

And yes, I am crying now as I type this. I’ve had a very full day with my daughter. I slept badly last night and woke in pain from my aching right side that reacts badly to certain foods and heat. I’ve struggled to think straight on occasion today, but through all of this I gave my pain and brain fog to God. I knew that if I stopped worrying about how I would cope, then – through Him – I would be able to cope. And I did.

I have made some amazing breakthroughs over the last month. I’ve not only discovered why I have anxiety/panic attacks, but I have also figured out why I succumbed to depression again 5 years ago. The anxiety/panic attacks come from negative emotional reactions to past experiences that have been filed away in my memory bank. When I am placed in a similar situation to when I first experienced these negative emotional reactions, my memory bank decides to take all of these emotions out of the vault and deposit them all in my brain at the same time. Talk about overload!

As for the depression, I figured out that my depression reared its ugly head again five years ago when my relationship with my daughter’s father became more than unstable. The end was nigh, but neither of us knew what to do about it. And, as with all things during our relationship, I was the one that was left to do something about it. A lot of pressure! Prior to that, my last bought of depression was in mid 1997 when my now ex-husband first told me that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Now I see the connection.

Negative emotional reactions, rejection, disharmony, abandonment, failure; these are all things that I’ve experienced in the past that now cause me to get anxious and depressed. more!

I’m now staking my claim, through God and the cleansing blood of Jesus, and speaking victory over my life, that I will be an overcomer and not be affected by these things any longer. Yes, I will still experience some “residue” from these conditions for some time, but I am not going to define myself by these conditions.l

God has my life in His hands. He has wisdom that surpasses anything that we can ever imagine.
His foolishness is greater than our wisdom. I learnt a valuable lesson 13 months ago, and that was to give my concerns over to God. Since then I have given my life over to Him. I am here for Him, and for the needs of others.


  1. God is so amazing in restoring us and patiently waiting for us. His love is so awesome. And there is so much more to come for you Paula xx

  2. I agree with Fi - there is so much more to come for you. I am so glad you now know the trigger of your anxiety & root casue of your depression. You are nearly there! You will soon say goodbye to anxiety & depression for good. Love how as you learn who you are and how He sees you freedom comes in His name. xo

  3. Stand firm! Proclaim the truth over yourself. Stomp your foot. Give muscle to the faith that is inside of you as you are doing here! The Light overcomes the darkness!

    God bless you as you STAND! <3