Blogtoberfest 2014: Day 5 - When You Meet Your Tribe

I'm a bit of a hermit, which I quite openly admit to. I have never been part of a group of female friends who hang out together, have weekend getaways, and do Bible study together. While I have longed for it at times, it has never happened. Lately it has become a recurring theme. One that rises up periodically and I feel anxious about. So, I decided to ask God why that was the case, to which He replied that I am not supposed to be part of a group like that. I asked Him what it is then that I am supposed to be a part of. He told me to wait.

Yesterday the wait came to an end when I found my tribe. A tribe of women from all parts of both hemispheres. A tribe of women who are all travelling on a similar journey to me. A tribe of women who have decided that going to church while still loving Jesus isn't what they need. Yes, you read that right. Not going to church. Still loving Jesus. It's what is referred to as being a free-ranging Christian. My new tribe. 

It's taken me over 18 months to get to this point. I had been attending church regularly for over six and half years prior to that. Three churches actually. "Church hopping" as it was once referred to in a conversation with a friend. A reference that irked me at the time, and still irks me now because it's not about the church. It's about my relationship with Jesus. And that's why I am now a free-range Christian. I don't feel part of the current church establishment. I find it overwhelming. I find it suffocating. And after a revelation from God a number of years back, I find that the practise of devoting oneself entirely to one church and all its activities takes away from the true purpose that Jesus came to earth to live out as our example.

I grew up going to church and the church I attended as a child and teen was my home. I have very fond memories of this church and the relationship I had with everyone there, my involvement, and what I learned there. I miss it actually. I miss the fact that it was small and everyone knew each other and it was home. I think this fact alone has had a huge influence on why I have never felt completely part of a new church. Too big. Too many cliques. Too focused on this or that. You get the drift. 

Of the churches I have attended recently, I do have one particular church that I would still like to attend from time to time. It is because when I attended there I did not feel overwhelmed or suffocated, or alone for that matter. It is still a church establishment by today's standards, but Jesus is there. And I need Jesus more than I need to be a member of one particular church. More than I need to rock up and serve every Sunday. More than I need to devote my time to other Christians when there are so many others in my circle that need Jesus more.

From where I'm sitting right now while typing this, I have a 10 year old who needs Jesus. Looking out my window there are neighbours that need Jesus. When hanging out with my non-Christian friends I see a need for Jesus. And not a "let's invite you to church so you can meet Jesus" type thing. A tangible "Paula is a Christian but is still a really cool person to hang out with and respects who I am and accepts me for who I am and what I do" type Jesus. 

So, getting back to my new tribe. It's a group of women from around the globe who are all free-ranging Christians. Who have all had experiences that have resulted in them either leaving the church establishment or adjusting their views on theology, or both. And I am really thankful for this new group of kindred thinkers. I can be myself and not feel that I don't fit in. I can express my views without them being negated just because I am not doing what "everyone else" is doing. 

I am doing what God wants me to do. I am exactly where I am supposed to be today. I am closer to myself and God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit than I have ever been before. And it's good. It's home. And I have a tribe.

In Him Always,

Paula 

Blogtoberfest2014: Day 4 - Single, Solo, Smiling

I've been a single mum now for eight years and eight months. In that time my daughter's father and I have been through good times and bad times, but we have come out on top. We have a happy and healthy relationship that is helping our daughter regain her confidence and thrive. There was a period a few years ago when changes in his life affected ours. But we have worked through that and life is good. As I write, my daughter is holidaying in Sydney with her dad and his family. She is having a ball, as are his family.

Single parenthood is no joke. I feel blessed that I have only one child to care for as a single mum, but even then it has been tough at times. I have single mum friends who have two, three, four, even five children. Life is a rollercoaster for them, to say the least! What we all have in common though, is the fact that we are blessed beyond measure and were gifted with the responsibility to raise our children.

One mum that inspires me is Chere from A Single Christian Mom's Advice on Making Life Easier. Chere is mum (mom) to her own beautiful daughter and shares some welcoming insights and advice on being a solo parent. One of her posts from last week peaked my interest because it is about comparing ourselves to others. Keeping up with the Joneses, so to speak.

I've found comparison with other single mums (and mums/women in general) a real burden, especially with so much being shared on social media. Some seem to have it all together. Their kids seem to as well. I find that pressure really suffocating. For that reason I have unfollowed some single and not single mums, and women, on social media just so I can have a break. And since commencing full-time university study, not having comparisons has been a blessing. I've had to reduce my activities, namely school and church activities, because I just do not have the time or energy to keep up doing everything that I was once doing.

Chere writes that, "Looking at other families and wishing you had a house like they do, or the two parent family, worrying if you aren't giving your kids all the opportunities other people give their children (or you think), stressing that you aren't the ideal mom that you believe the mom across the street is will make you miserable! Don't try to overcompensate and wear yourself ragged to try and prove that you can be just like that other family you believe have a picture perfect life because no one does!" Amen to that!

I'm so glad that God has allowed me to meet the single mums that I have. Whether they be overseas or at university or my daughter's school. I've been blessed by these ladies through their advice and just the common thread that keeps us together - our "singlemumness" and our kids. God looks after the widows and orphans, and I am very thankful for how He looks after me and my daughter.

In Him Always,

Paula

Blogtoberfest2014: Day 1 - Endings & Beginnings

Last year on my Paula's Sharing Spot blog I joined Blogtoberfest 2013, which was hosted by Michelle from Shells in the Bush. My post on the last day of October was about endings and beginnings. This new blog page is exactly what that is all about. Ending what was and beginning what will be. Oldness. Newness.

One ending and beginning that I've experienced recently was the decision to leave my employment of 20 years and become a university student. It wasn't a decision that was made overnight. It was one that had been on my mind for a year before it happened. Why it ended up happening was because God allowed me to be in the right place at the right time. I had become very despondent about working in the administration field. I was tired of pushing pieces of paper around on my desk and on my computer. I had tried my hand at a higher level job and thoroughly enjoyed it under the right leadership. But, after some changes I was done with it all. I needed something else.

The transition from being employed full-time, to not being employed, then to becoming a full-time university student, as well as being a single mother, was indicent free. It took a while to get out of the "I have to get up and go to work" mindset, but after lazing around for a couple of months I felt some enthusiasm start to build up again. I wasn't feeling lazy because I missed working, or where I worked. I felt lazy because I had been on an emotional rollercoaster at my old job for 15 months and was glad to be off it.

My life now as a university student studying a Bachelor of Social Science is stretching me to capacity but I am thoroughly enjoying it. I have never read so many non-fiction pages before in my life. I had never written a research essay or written report up until last month. But I am learning so much about myself, my capabilities, and my learning style. I am also learning a lot about human beings.

One aspect of myself that I do know now is that working had become a chore for me. Yes, it paid the bills. Yes, I was more than capable at doing my job. But that's all it became. I was no longer passionate about working in the administration field. I needed to do something that I felt was really meaningful, and something that would stretch me beyond what I had been happy to settle on doing for so very long. As Rob Hills Sr. puts it here, I needed to do something that I never need take a vacation from.

I have found that now. I study counselling and psychology. I parent a pre-teen daughter, which is no mean feat. I create art to balance the left and right sides of my brain. I set my own timetable. I worry about my finances, while also thanking God daily that He has allowed me to be in the position financially that I'm in. I am happy and content.

So, my ending has given me a wonderful new beginning. I am looking forward to seeing where God is going to take me on my new journey into the second half of my life. I'm very thankful that God enabled me to be more, and do more, simply "because I know there is more".

In Him Always,

Paula

Thirty Years

Today, 30 years ago, I became a Christian. I openly declared that by shedding His blood on the cross, Jesus paid for all my past, present and future sins. But this year my Freedom Birthday means much more that just saying that I gave my heart to Jesus. This year it means more.

As some friends close to me would know, I haven't been to church much over the last two years. I've attended three churches in the last eight years and while I grew in my faith and discovered a lot about myself, I also found that I lost part of myself along the way. Now, I'm not wanting to bag any of the churches I've attended. They each served a purpose in God's grand plan for me as a Christian. But I'm now at a point where I need to be alone to hear what exactly it is that God has planned for me. I need stillness. I need quiet.

"You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realising who you are at the deepest level." - Thomas Merton

http://www.kylerichardson.com.au/

This quote adequately describes where I am at right at this very moment. I've tried to fit in, add new things, remove old things, and generally fluff my way through. Now, however, I've reached the point where I need to take what I have before me right now - motherhood, university study, homelife, friends, family - and build on those things. I truly believe God does not want me to have the added responsibility of anything else at this moment. He wants me to concentrate on what He has given me, and to concentrate on Him. 

So that is why this year's Freedom Birthday, aside from being my 30th, is so very important. God is trusting me to go out on my own, with Jesus by my side, to forge out my own faith journey. To free-range. To discover, To grow. To not settle on doing what everyone else is doing, but to find out where and what is the right fit for me. The journey will certainly be interesting.

In Him Always,

Paula

February Fast 2014...

February 2014 is going to be a fasting month for me. I will be fasting from Facebook, TV and social interaction outside of work and church. These are the things that stop me from getting close and connecting to God. That needs to change. Hence my fast. It needs to happen.

I decided to look up the meaning of February and outside of it being "the second month of the year" etc, I found its origin quite interesting:

Origin: 
before 1000; Middle English; Old English Februarius < Latin Februārius (mēnsis) expiatory (month), derivative of februa (plural) expiatory offerings; see -ary

"Expiatory" is a word I've never heard before but it means to be "able to make atonement or expiation". Moving forward in the word search, I clicked on "atonement" and found the following:

1. satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

2. ( sometimes initial capital letter ) Theology . the doctrine concerning the reconciliation of God and humankind, especially as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Christ.

3. Christian Science. the experience of humankind's unity with God exemplified by Jesus Christ.

4. Archaic. reconciliation; agreement.

---

Origin:
1505–15; from phrase at one in harmony + -ment, as translation of Medieval Latin adūnāmentum; compare Middle English onement unity

 

It all makes sense and is very applicable to my February Fast. It is to make amends, to reconcile me to God, to be in agreement with His will for my life, to sacrifice the things of the world for the things of Heaven. So good. So God.

 

I am finding that living in the world is a tough gig. It's so easy to get sucked into living the lie that the devil wants me to live. The negativity, the cynicism, the gossiping, the hatred, the complaining. All things that I, as a follower of Jesus Christ, should not do. There is so much more to this life than what the world has to offer, and during February I am ready for God to show me what that is.

 

To have change, one must make a change. I'm ready. I'm set. It's a go.

 

And So It Has Begun...

It's hard to believe that it is the 20th of January. This year is flying by already. I spent the first week of the year at home by myself while my daughter was staying with her dad. I relaxed, watched movies, pottered around the house and slept...a lot. That all now seems like a distant memory to not only my mind but also my body, which has now reverted back to its usual stressed out and aching self.

And so it has begun...

I'm resentful that the relaxed state I was in at the end of my holiday is now a distant memory. I'm resentful that the every day grind steals joy from me so easily. I'm resentful about the fact that it's the 20th of January and I feel like I've lived a whole year in the last two weeks.

And so it has begun...

I'm thankful, however, that I have the awareness of this. I'm thankful that I have identified that I am tired, aching, anxious and stressed out and it's only the 20th of January. I'm thankful that I can now re-evaluate how I do life so that it can be lived a little easier.

And so it has begun...

Yesterday was a horrible day. After a way too late night and waking up to a hot and sticky day, I decided to bite the bullet and undertake a plan that I had been pondering for about 8 months or so. I also decided that God and I needed to talk about some important stuff.

He answered me, in His time, and revealed to me much more than I'd anticipated, and in a different way than I'd ever expected. He is good like that. He is tricky like that. He likes to keep me on my toes. He likes to force me into the different seasons of my life. (Yes Jo P...seasons!)

So after way too many rough hours of being true to myself and making a change that I had not expected I would, the memories of the first week of the year come flooding back. The focus, the vision, the goals that I had set for the year.

I'm running on 4 hours sleep today. My eyes are sore from too much crying yesterday. My body is aching from the humidity. But given all of this, my heart is light and I am at peace because God spoke and I made a change in my life, and I now plan to move forward from the stress and live!

And so it has begun...

Are You Weary? I Am...

Photo Source

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

I'm tired. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally tired too. It's because I don't sleep well. It's because I deal with a daily bout of anxiety that my little white pills 80% succeed in keeping under control. It's because outside influences push change on my life that isn't always welcome.

But that's life. Not just for me, but for many, if not all, of us.

I'm not whinging out this, just stating fact. And while I don't use my depression and anxiety as a cop out, it does impact how I cope with life, and what, and whom, I allow to affect the life of my daughter and I.

 I recall feeling tired almost three years ago. It was four months after I had my nervous breakdown. I was tired, worn out and burned out by life. And while I'm not in that state now, I am weary. I can feel it in my bones, my heart and my mind.

The bone weariness is due to a physical illness that attacks me every summer. Fibromyalgia, the painful auto-immune disease whereby my body aches and burns. Where ice blocks applied directly to my skin and ibuprofen promptly consumed are the only two things, outside of air conditioning that is, that ease my pain.

The heart weariness is because of the emotional pain that I see others go through. It is because I am raising a nine year old daughter who has started going through "the change" (yes, it applies for tweens too!). It is because the world itself is becoming more and more messed up as each day, week, month and year go by. (Bring back the simplicity of the 1970s, I say!)

The mind weariness basically comes from being "bone weary". From my body being tired. I don't sleep well, so thus my body and mind are not being renewed as they should. It's also from the busyness of life. Of the busyness that I inflict, which I'm planning on reducing, and the busyness that others inflict on my life.

It's a vicious circle. It's a merry-go-round that keeps getting faster and faster whereby holding on causes unnecessary weariness.

It's a merry-go-round we create, and control, ourselves.

What is the solution? Those who know Jesus already know that He is. Overcoming weariness requires focus and commitment to the Lord. I found 45 Bible verses that deal with the topic "weary". I've printed them out and am going to write them out longhand. Commit them to my heart.

Remember that it is only Jesus who can help my weariness.

Do you feel weary too?

On Being Too Human and Downward Mobility...

I recently wrote a post on why "it's not that I don't like church". Why only a handful of Sundays have been used to visit the Lord's House. Why I have been questioning the modern day definition of the term "church". Why I feel a shift in how I see the church and its leaders.

Basically, some 2000 years after Jesus shed blood on the cross, the world is a really messed up place. Messed up people. Messed up politics. Messed up morals. Messed up ideals.

Is it because we act too human? Do we, as Christians, walk haphazardly on the thin line that separates us from the world? Teetering over to "their side" every so often to try and breathe Jesus on them? Do we live by a blinded vision of how the world thinks we should live?

There are many questions that swirl through my mind as I ponder the shift in how I view my walk with Jesus. He still walks with me, moreso now than ever before, but something has changed.

I happened upon a blog recently by D.L. Mayfield, who is "living in the upside-down kingdom". She writes a lot on downward mobility and describes it as "an easy, succinct way to describe consciously choosing to not pursue climbing the ladder of the American dream". I really relate to that in my current state of consciousness.

Ladders are too high.
Simplicity is what I seek.

Do you feel this way? Do you long for a simpler life? To not be bogged down by the constant upkeep and management of material resources? To live with a childlike faith and have extra long weekends within a 48 hour time period just because there are less cares in your world?

I know I surely do, and I know I need to recapture that.

I need to stop thinking of myself as "just a human" and remember that I am a saved soul in human form. That while I am visiting this earth on the way to heaven, I am not to become "too human" and conform to the ways of the world. That I am not to climb the worldly ladder but instead be a living example of how the world can reach Jesus.

It's a tough gig. But it's a rewarding gig, because God always shows us where we are doing it right, and helping us to get better at the bad.

I'm ready for the simpler life. For the life less harried. For a two steps back to embrace how simple life used to be.

When Life Gets Messy...

I bet you can relate to that, right? When life gets messy and all the pieces don't seem to gel? I know I do. My life has become messy on many occasions, as yours most likely has done as well. The fact is that life will continue to get messy, then straighten itself out, and then get messy again because that's just how it is living on this earth. The good news, however, is that with Jesus in my life, the existence of a messy life it isn't as prolific. It isn't as disrupting. It is never as bad as before. And it can be like that for you too.

I like the word "messy" as a way of describing how life gets. Mandy Steward has embraced the word "messy" on her blog Messy Canvas. Mandy embraces her messy life. Her journey. The messy journey that she travels on. She encourages us to "move towards listening to our voice, standing on our two feet, owning our own life to the full and setting ourselves free." To embrace us, our lives, the journey, and the mess. After all, only Jesus is perfect. And Jesus bring freedom. Mandy also write how "The great thing about freedom is that there are always new levels of it to explore."

I like "messy".

mess·y

/ˈmɛsi/ [mes-ee]   

 adjective, mess·i·er, mess·i·est.

1. characterized by a dirty, untidy, or disordered condition: a messy room.

2. causing a mess: a messy recipe; messy work.

3. embarrassing, difficult, or unpleasant: a messy political situation.

4. characterized by moral or psychological confusion.

---

Origin:
1835–45; mess + -y¹

Related forms

mess·i·ness, noun

 

Dictionary.com describes various situations that we will find ourselves in that are messy. The room strewn with clothes. The kitchen sink piled with dirty dishes. The flour dusting on the benchtop. The paperwork covering the desk. The money left at home when the checkout is full of food. The words spoken that we regret once breathed out. The thoughts that race around on firing neurons. The respect that isn't given nor earned.

Life is messy. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Thankfully we all have access to a God - The God - who is a Master Janitor. He is able to clear, sanitise, renew, clarify, tidy and clean up the messes that we are subjected to in this earthly life. We don't have to do this alone. We have someone who is All Powerful, All Knowing, and Not Messy!

Your life may be messy. There may be circumstances in your life where you feel there is no escape. That the mess cannot be cleaned up. That your situation will never improve. That your heart, soul and mind will never find clarity and peace.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7 NLT

Rest in Jesus. Ask the Lord God for help and guidance. Seek out His Holy Spirit to be the quiet yet loud voice in your head, guiding your heart to the right destination.

My life gets messy. God cleans it up. It gets messy again. God does it yet again. The best aspect in all of this? I get stronger. Life becomes clearer. Peace descends from the heavens and rests in my heart. God frees me from the mess the world creates once again.

God is good.

Standing In My Own Way...

I saw this on Facebook recently. I immediately emailed the photo to myself (as you do) and wrote the following:

Standing in my own way.
Not remembering His promise of redemption.
Taking the world's word over God's, etc

We are told many times in the Bible that through the blood of Jesus we will be washed whiter than snow. That our sins are forgiven.

Heather King reminds us here that "we are promised a new identity in Christ". We are made new.

It's an amazing promise.

But do you have times when you just don't feel like you've been "made new"? I know I certainly do, and seeing this quote from Heather King has made me really think about why.

My number one enemy (next to Satan, of course) is me. I stand in my own way. I cause myself many of the problems that I encounter. I am not good to myself. And I need to be. A friend's number one quote is "Be good to yourself". I understand why he says that. And I must remember to be.

Speaking of remembering, I must remind myself that I have been redeemed. Jesus didn't die on the cross for no reason at all. He didn't commit any sin. He died on the cross for a purpose, which is you and me. To die in place of our sins. To receive promise to spend eternity with Him.

I am redeemed. I am redeemed. I am redeemed.

And because I am redeemed, I have full access to all that God promised His people. That includes God Himself, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It includes the ability to pray at any given moment about any given thing. To have a conversation with Him. To be in an intimate relationship with Him.

It also includes inclusion into God's family. Adoption into a heavenly and holy family where peace and love and kindness and forgiveness and grace are normal. It means never having to be alone again. Never having to feel like we don't belong.

The privilege of having access to God's Living Word, the Bible. His book. His words written down over thousands of years by men who loved God, who knew Him and who saw first hand the amazing works and miracles He performed. The Word that speaks to us as we study it.

One thing that I know I as a Christian battles with the most is ignoring the world and its lies. Fighting a spiritual battle that wages between God and Satan with our souls as the prize. The battle that rages in our hearts and souls and will not end until after Jesus returns.

We must not stand in our own way.
We must remember our redemption
We must trust in God's Word only.

Second Corinthians 5:17 tells us that "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Amen.

Because God is Good...

I'm into scheduling posts at the moment. On days with a "T" in it actually. Today, on this Wednesday, I need to share this passage of scripture. I'm listening to it via Bible Gateway. It's just what I needed on this day.

A reminder from my Father that He is Good - all things good. That He will protect my daughter and I. That I am to not fear man. That the Lord God, my Father in Heaven, is greater than anything or anyone who comes against me. God is Good. So very good.

Psalm 37^[a]

Of David.

¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.

¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
Though the Lord’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
²² those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.

²³ The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
²⁴ though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.^[b]

²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the Lord loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.

Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed^[c];
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
²⁹ The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.

³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
³³ but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

³⁴ Hope in the Lord
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.

³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.^[d]
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future^[e] for the wicked.

³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
 

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 37:1 This psalm is an acrostic poem, the stanzas of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.
2. Psalm 37:26 Or freely; / the names of their children will be used in blessings (see Gen. 48:20); or freely; / others will see that their children are blessed
3. Psalm 37:28 See Septuagint; Hebrew They will be protected forever
4. Psalm 37:37 Or upright; / those who seek peace will have posterity
5. Psalm 37:38 Or posterity

Jesus is My Husband...

Ann Voskamp's writing is filled with imagery and feeling. None of that was wasted on me when I read her Thanksgiving post recenty over at A Holy Experience.

"When it's over, I want to say; all my life I was a bride married to amazement." - Mary Oliver

The post welcomed the new for me. The current status of my life. The now that took so long to reach.

The fact that Jesus is my husband.


"Prince of Peace" by Akiane

"Mama always said it and she didn’t care what anyone thought of it: God was her husband. And that ain’t just some metaphor to get the Pharisees all in a prudish knot – it’s brazen Scripture. Take it or go ahead and leave it. We all get to choose our own bedfellows – and who we’ll give our soul to, who or what will get our life."

I'm standing with Ann's Mama. I've already decided.

The relationship that was not easily broken was the driving force behind my decision to be single, and stay single as long as God deems necessary. I needed that relationship, as I now need the friendship that has come from it, to keep me stayed on Jesus.

The relationship between a husband and wife is the equivalent to the relationship between God and His followers. Between Jesus and His church. That is why marriage between a man and a woman is sacred to Christians. It represents more than a wedding, living together, sex, reproduction. It represents a deeper connection. It represents the connecting of neurons and souls and emotions. It is a covenant.

My covenant is with Jesus. He has proven Himself by dying on the cross for me. By paving the way for me to live a guilt and shame free life with Him. He has stood by my side, and lived in my heart, through the most horrific years of my life. He has spoken to me when I needed to hear His voice. He has visited me when I have felt alone, to remind me that He is near. He has shared His heart with me and told me how He has grieved with me.

How could anyone not want that?

I know I do, and I need it more every day as I journey through life on earth.

Hosea 2:14-17 sums up my recent journey.

The Lord's Mercy on Israel

¹⁴ “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ And there I will give her her vineyards
   and make the Valley of Achor^[a] a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
   as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

¹⁶ “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’      and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ ¹⁷ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more.

 

Footnotes:

a. Hosea 2:15 Achor means trouble; compare Joshua 7:26

He brought me back to Him. He took me into the harshest wilderness I have known. He spoke words of love and promise to me. He restored my dignity. He blessed me with hopefulness. He rekindled my faith. He walked with me out of the wilderness and into my freedom.

Jesus is my husband. And even if an earthly husband comes along, Jesus will always be my number one love. That is how it should be. That is how I want it to be.

It's Not That I Don't Like Church...

I have attended my church about four times since the beginning of March this year. It's not that I don't like going to church, I do. But I feel as though, with both the churches I've chosen to attend over the last 7 years, something is missing. That I don't fit in with the current day demographic.

Maybe I do. Maybe it's just me. But for now, I am an occasional church attender but a full time Jesus loving, prayer slinging, God worshipping Bible studying girl.

I have other friends who are on this exact same journey. And, recently, I've learnt that there are many, many people around the world that are experiencing the same type of questioning. I don't know what the answer is to the questioning I am doing about attending church, but I know the One who does. I also know He will provide me with the answer in His time.

I attended a small church in my home town between the ages of nine and 18. I attended then taught Sunday School. I stood up front and sang in the little 3 girl "choir". I went to Girl's Rally on a Friday night, and to Youth Group on a Saturday night. I diligently studied my Bible and wrote down notes during the sermon (which I still do!). I learnt, I grew, I loved being a Christian and attending church. That stopped when I turned 18 and discovered the freedom that comes from being "legal". Then I stopped attending church altogether. Stopped reading my Bible. Just stopped.

I graced a church building only a few times over the next 18 years. First to get married to the man I had no business marrying, then to attend weddings, funerals, and christenings. My return to church came 18 years later as a lost 36 year old single mum who answered the yearning in her heart. The yearning that had been whispering to me over those 18 years.

Since that time I've been attending church regularly except for this year. Something changed in March. Maybe it was going to Hillsong's women's conference Colour where I felt somewhat overwhelmed at times, and started questioning why. Maybe it was God telling me that He isn't just about mass services of unity, that it's about Him. Maybe He was telling me that my life needed a shake up so I could do more for Him and not just myself.

Whatever the reason, despite not attending church, I do miss the closeness that I remember feeling from my childhood church given that the church I now call home, and the previous church, are what are termed as "large" churches, ie 1000 plus people attending every session.

Don't get me wrong. I am not bagging going to a church, whether it be small, large or mega. What I am having difficulty with, and have done so for a few years now, (which is also one of the reasons I changed churches), is this. We go TO the church building, we mix WITH the church people, and we focus ON the church life. My question has and is, "Wasn't the church created, as we read in Acts, so we GO out into the world and share the gospel of Jesus?"

Yes, it was. Our direction seems to have become askew.

But I see how God is changing that. We are seeing more and more people from within churches GOing out and being Jesus. Mixing with the prostitutes, the drug addicts, the murderers, and the thieves. Taking greater risks and encountering more resistance thah has even been encountered before. We are seeing more and more people from within churches GOing out and putting their lives on the line for "the likes of these". Being the only Jesus that some will ever see in their entire lives.

When God spoke to me about this, He reminded me that I don't need a big or "trendy" mission field. I only needed to look at what - who - was right in front of me: my daughter, my family, my friends, my work colleagues, and so on. I feel that I have failed to "be Jesus" in many of these areas since then, but looking back at where I was spiritually, emotionally and mentally, God wanted me to grow and heal before I could help others. The process has been long and hard, but I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, and He is still working on me.

So, for the time being I will continue to be kind to myself, to grow and to heal, while also looking out for those around me where and when I can. Looking out for those in my circle. Those who probably need to know Jesus more right now than those who I walk by in the church building.

I will continue to look toward the light that is The Son. I will follow in His direction and ensure that my direction does not become askew and misaligned.. And one day, when He is ready to send me back, I will return to church. A church of His choosing, not just one that is "up the road" and convenient.