BF2013: The Vacant Space...

The realisation of what God knew all along.

Vacant space within a pumping heart filled with His love.

A familiar voice whispering guidance to the willing ear.

 

The relief of what God felt all along.

Chambers beating faster with anticipation of release.

Words written and exuding the truth from a heavenly realm.

 

The response of what God heard all long.

The vacant space discovering the true and rightful occupant.

The blood spilled that in turn filled the pumping heart.

 

© Paula C. Whitehouse, 2013

When To Go Back...

There are some instances in life when you cannot turn around and go back. Sometimes going back is a welcome reprieve from the trials of the present day. Returning home to visit my parents is a  welcome reprieve. Returning to the relationship that caused me untold grief and pain is just not permissible.
Yesterday I made that choice and with it comes peace and freedom. A welcome feeling of comfort to confirm that leaning in to God for support, trusting Jesus to be my joy, and many hours of quietness to allow the Holy Spirit to guide me was the right choice. My heart is less broken than it was. My dignity has been restored. My place in the world has been set right again.
Paula xo

My Mosaic Heart...

Three and a half years ago a crack appeared in my heart after God planted a seed of truth in my life that, unbeknownst to me, would grow and slowly take me on a journey of ultimate truth, discovery and healing. But not without my heart breaking completely.

Over the last 3 and a half years God slowly and gently - and not so gently - showed me more and more truths that I needed to know. To be honest, God could have kept these truths to Himself because at the time they caused such confusion and heartache! But, He was persistent and kept revealing them to me. And oh, how they hurt! I’ve been through some heartache in my almost 41 years, but never, and I mean NEVER, have I felt anything as painful and devastating as what I went through on this latest journey.

As I get closer to my place of being healed and overcoming the beast that is depression and anxiety, I can now look back with clarity...and thanks to God...that I endured and survived (AMEN!) the changes and growth that He brought into my life.

I was taken to places that I never thought I would go. I discovered things that shocked and disgusted me. And I did things that no woman should be expected to do by someone who supposedly loves her!

It’s taken me a while to forgive and move forward, but I have reached that place now. There are still times when a memory hurts and ALL the pain returns, but it’s not as harsh so I can live with it now. Before, guilt, shame, regret, hurt and all those other icky emotions that the enemy would have me believe, would take over and consume me. But no more! (Sorry Satan...you lose!)

With each playing their respective parts in my life, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit have all lovingly brought me to the place I am at now. The broken pieces of my heart have been pieced back together like a mosaic. Not in the same place, not perfect, but still a work of love – and art – by my Maker.

Looking at an Abundant Life...

As I embark on a journey of restoration, I will be looking to God and Jesus the Gentleman to give back what the locusts have eaten. Part of this journey will be completing an amazing book from where I read this quote:

‎"The abundant life is not about accumulating stuff, it's about being spiritually full, bursting with the goodness of God in your life, not bleak or empty. It's learning to walk in victory, not being a victim to circumstances, and finding satisfaction and joyful confidence because you know who you are and whose you are."

- Jackie M. Johnson, When Love Ends

I will be made whole, my confidence in myself will be restored, my heart will be healed and I will be able to love again.

Perfect Cleansing...

Hebrews 10:1-18 was the passage of scripture I read during my quiet time this morning. I am totally enthralled with what was revealed to me during this time, and especially because it was at 4:30am! These verses are in the NLT under the heading of "Christ's Sacrifice for All."

As I read through the passage, thoughts about patterns of verbal and emotional abuse, whether that be from others, or the suffering a person can inflict on themselves, came into mind. I asked myself if this type of behaviour could come about because grace has not been truly felt? Could this also apply to angry outbursts? Could this be why I still suffer from guilt, shame and regret, and why I lash out angrily at times?

"...never able to provide perfect cleansing..." The sacrifices of old were never able to save and cleanse completely. It was just an act, a deed. Something that was actioned carnally but not felt inside where God sees and knows...the heart.

Verse two gives insight into why the Israelites could never receive perfect cleansing - complete grace, if you like - from the animal and grain offerings they provided as sacrifices. "If they could have provided perfect cleansing, the sacrifices would have stopped, for the worshipers would have been purified once for all time, and their feelings of guilt would have disappeared." They had no choice but to keep offering these sacrifices because it was not yet their time to receive God's complete grace.

"But instead, those sacrifices actually reminded them of their sins year after year." Wow! This is verse three! Wow again! This verse spoke to me and made me ask myself, "Is saying sorry after getting angry and lashing out just a reminder of sin?" I believe that it is. It's a cycle...it, in its varying situations, is emotional and verbal abuse.

Verse four tells how "it is not possible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins", no more than it is possible for a "sorry" to really take away the hurt from when one is wronged against. And it is just not possible for that mere word - sorry - to take away sin, guilt and shame.

How to overcome this? Regarding the hurt from others; seeking God and forgiving the other person (releasing yourself in the process!) is the answer. As far as overcoming angry outbursts, sin, guilt and shame, verse 9 has the answer. "Look, I have come to do your will." Yes, fix your eyes and heart on God and stay focused on Him and His will; how He wants you to treat others, how He wants you to use your emotions and tongue. Jesus did His will, and so can we.

Jesus was offered as a "single sacrifice" (v 12). Under the old covenant the priest stood before the altar offering the same sacrifices over and over. We don't have to do that as "our High Priest offered Himself...for all time." Jesus took the sin, the guilt and the shame for us.

The Holy Spirit spoke to me yesterday while driving, which I believe ties into today's scripture passage and learning's. He told me to honour God by how I respect the speed limit! He then told me to honour God in everything I do. I thought more on that and concluded that I need to honour God in EVERY aspect of my life - to do His will! God's perfect will for my life.

All of this was a lot to take in at 4:30am but it was amazing! I felt like a weight had been lift from my heart. The striving to find out why I still felt guilt and shame from my past all uncovered in one reading. The simple answer to the problem: do His will.

Points to remember on this include that offering the same sacrifices over and over will never take away sin (v 11). Always remember Christ as the single sacrifice; that under the new covenant God has put His law in our hearts and has written it on our minds (v 16); and that He said, "I will never again remember their sins and lawless deeds." (v 17).

If He doesn't remember our sins, then neither should we. Saying sorry over and over is just a reminder. Don't live life as an "angry outburst"...change the behaviour; get rid of it! I know I am going to. And I know I am going to do God's will.