Taking Off the Mask...

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I work in an environment where the norm seems to be for all to wear a mask of some sort.  To be cool, calm and collected the majority of the time, and to fit in.

I am none of these.  I can be none of these.

As I write this, I am "coming down" from not being anywhere close to any of these unrealistic states of expectation.

Today I took the mask off.  The answer to, "how are you Paula?" was "I’m cranky, in a foul mood and wishing I wasn’t here." 

I couldn't be cool, calm and collected because if I had have been I would have exploded. My mental and physical well-being would have been severely messed up (even more than it already is!).

I felt like I didn't fit in because I wasn't being "normal" and composed.  I didn’t have the “smiley face” on.

But that is me. I don't fit in.

I used to want to fit in, but I openly admit that I never have, never will and never want to.  I used to want to, but after discovering my personality type earlier in the year, I know that I'm just not that type of person.

A friend said that saying, ""I'm fine" when you're not is wearing a mask. Take off the mask and be authentic, beautiful, broken and the real YOU!"

I will do that, as I'm tired of having to conform, fit in, toe the line, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

I will still do what is right, operate with integrity, be respectful and polite and work to my fullest capacity.

But I refuse to lose who I am - the eclectic, somewhat eccentric and authentic me - in the midst of it all.

I won’t wear a mask just to fit in.

Feeling Confident To Be Me...

My IRL friends and my family may disagree, but my problem is that I suffer from a lack of confidence. When it comes to offering advice, sharing ideas, and mixing in certain circles, I sometimes tend to be more silent than loud. I do wonder if it's because I come from a family of people that cherish their alone (defragging) time, or if it's from too much 'foot in mouth' disease. I do wonder if it's a learned thing, this tendency to be shy and not speak up. Or is it something that has been ingrained into me from being around outspoken people too much? One thing I do know, however, is that I have had to learn to speak up.

I was not always inwardly shy and insecure. I say "inwardly shy" because I have taught myself to overcome this shyness and be the opposite. Prior to moving to Brisbane and separating from my ex-husband, I had confidence in myself, my abilities and my life. I asked a lot of questions and never shied away from being around people I didn't know. But after relocating to Brisbane in 1996, coupled with working as a receptionist to a very flamboyant and somewhat narcissistic man, and also not knowing anyone, my self esteem was significantly affected. The nail in the proverbial confidence coffin was when my ex-husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married. Separated, lonely and living a long way from my family ... well, you can guess how I felt.

While contemplating what I'd write in this post and how I would expand on my confidence issue, a thought crossed my mind on how I've literally had to start my adult life three times. (Yes, it was God, I know!) Now, by starting life again, I am referring to the fact that while I am 41 years of age, I don't feel it. My body knows that I'm forty-one, but my heart, mind and soul don't. Let me explain.

My 'first adult life' started at 20 when I married my ex-husband. My 'second adult life' started at 28 after we had separated and were waiting to get divorced, which is when I met my daughter's father. My 'third adult life' started at 36 after my daughter was born and I decided that I could no longer live with her dad. Hence, I'm now five years into my 'third adult life'.

I feel that this explanation is the most apt for how I feel about being a 41 year old single parent of a seven year old daughter. I don't feel old enough to be forty-one! It's crazy. But it's also an apt explanation as to why I see other women my age and wonder why I don't have it "all together" like they do. Ha! Realistically though, I do know that behind the scenes they surely don't! That's the reassurance that God has given me over the last few years; that every woman - no matter what their life has been like - has issues and hasn't always seemed like she's had it "all together".

And that's the beauty of a life with God; that He knows that, He wants us to know that, and most importantly, He wants us to know that it's OK. We don't have to have it "all together". It's OK to feel like you're not forty-one. It's OK. Period.

But where do we get our confidence from if it's OK to not have it "all together"?

Our confidence comes from God.

One of the more significant lessons I've learned over the last year is that I cannot do life without God. I did try once or twice, and from reading my relationship history above you can tell that I did a fine job of it too! Not! But there was a purpose in all this. God knew what He was doing by letting me do my own thing and mess up my life. He was strengthening me and preparing me for today. For being a 41 year old single parent of a seven year old daughter.

He allowed me to go to rock bottom in my relationships, in my mental state and in my spiritual well-being. He was there watching me - I knew as I could always feel Him - but He let me make my own choices. He let me get to the point where I had no other choice but to call out to Him and ask Him to take me back. He allowed me to ask His forgiveness, and to ask Him - most humbly - to give me another chance.

And He did. He offered me grace. He taught me, slowly, that it's OK to admit you were wrong and start over.

I read a quote by Priscilla Shirer the other day that says, "Sometimes your greatest message is the mess of your life." God needed me to lose confidence in the person I was so that I could become confident in the person I am now - the real me. The woman He pre-destined me to be. When I look at my life - the relationship problems, being a single parent, the nervous breakdowns I've suffered in the last two years, and more - I'm just amazed.

I am amazed by His goodness, grace, mercy and love. And most of all, I’m amazed by His confidence in me! Thank You Lord.

Silencing the Voices & Authenticity...

I’m not the best with words sometimes; they can be ill-timed and ill-written. While I write a blog page, that type of writing isn’t the “off the cuff” status updates that are posted on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve been stung a bit lately by status updates that I’ve either posted or responded to on Facebook. It’s left me wondering why I bother at times (yes, pity party material, I know) so I decided earlier this week to take a break from the cyberwaves. This included both Facebook and Twitter.

Now, as Twitter can be a somewhat more of an encouraging medium than Facebook (hold on...don’t get shirty just yet!) I decided to return to Twitter this morning. And ... I also decided that I would deactivate my Facebook page so that I am not tempted to sneak a peek at what my peeps there have been doing.

What is my reason for this? Aside from wanting to spend less time on social networking I decided to deactivate to answer a few questions that were planted in my mind a few weeks back.

“What would my days be like if the first thing I did when I got up was NOT check Facebook, Twitter or my email account?”

“What would I do if I DIDN’T know what my peeps were doing every single day of the week?”

“What would my life be like?”

Well, I’m about to find out. Yes, I still have my Facebook Fan Page, my Twitter account and my email, but I don’t have access to see what my family and friends are thinking, saying and doing on a daily – even hourly – basis.

I suffered a nervous breakdown just over 18 months ago, and no, it was not nice. And last year, twelve months after the first breakdown, I suffered another one. For those who have suffered, or suffer from, depression and anxiety, I’m sure you can understand when I say that part of the healing process is lessening the voices in your head. Cutting back on my cyberspace time is part of this process.

I need less of the voices in my head and more of His voice in every part of my life.

It’s not that I don’t love and care about my family and friends; I DO! I just feel that at this point in time it’s best if I cut back on my distractions. Now, please don’t misinterpret that ... by distractions, I mean that I have been guilty of looking through status updates, photos and profile pages instead of spending time with my daughter, with God, or doing much needed tasks around the house, never mind my IRL (In Real Life) family and friends!

As for Twitter being more encouraging than Facebook ... well, there are less “haters” on there, tweets are short, and there is more information about things in general that is shared compared to what someone might be having for breakfast that day (said with tongue in cheek for those who are aware of my cheekiness).

Galatians 5:25-26 from The Message resonated with me last week and I felt it was an answer from God to the questions I posed above.

“Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.”

I don’t want my life with Jesus to be just a sentiment. I want Him in every part of it.

I’ve found that Facebook can sometimes be about comparison too. Friends have even called it Fakebook because that is what some people can be on there.

Deborah West (@DeborahSWest) challenged my authenticity the other day: “As a writer, am I telling my story or God's story? (conviction)”. It got me wondering if as a social networker am I appearing as the real Paula or a fake version? Am I jazzing up my life to make me seem more popular to others. As a reformed people pleaser, I hope not and I also don’t think so. I believe I am authentic, and have actually been recognised for my transperancy.

The sentence that really stood out from the verses above was, “We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.” It’s not that Facebook isn’t interesting, but when we look at our mission in life as Christians, what is really more important? Scanning profile pages, or actually living the life God pre-destined for us. Yes, we must connect with others and be Jesus in flesh, but I feel there can be a limit. I know that for myself there certainly is.

I want to live on purpose. I want to make EVERY. MOMENT. COUNT. I want to make sure I am walking the walk as well as talking the talk. I want to “live creatively”. I want to share more of my daughter’s life. I want to heal from my depression and anxiety. I want healing in my neck, which I sprained almost 5 weeks ago and it’s still not better. And at the moment I want NO distractions while God works on me; while He focuses my mind on things for His glory. Taking a break means I can do all this.

Discovering My True Identity...

(Photo credit to Anna-Claire Photography © 2010)

During my life I’ve been known as Julie and Russell’s daughter, Jamie and Anthony’s sister, Ron’s wife, Paul’s girlfriend, E’s partner and Jasmine’s mum. Finally, it seems, I am discovering who I am as me...Paula - God’s daughter, Jesus’ beloved and... Jasmine’s mum.

It’s a surreal feeling to NOT be somebody’s ‘other half’; to not be one half of a couple. For the last 22 years that’s who I have been. I’ve always, give or take a few months here and there, had a significant other. You know the great news now though? My significant other now is THE Significant Other; The One worthy of capital letters in every instance where His name is mentioned.

I sometimes get a longing inside when I see a couple sharing a loving word or touch. I often feel that pang when I read on Twitter or Facebook that a wife is excited because her husband will be home soon, and so on. The feeling doesn’t last long, and once I get back into my usual routine and start doing what I like to do, ie spending ALL day in bed reading, sleeping, watching movies, etc, then I think that it isn’t such a bad thing. And I seem to then always ask myself THAT question...

Am I meant to walk alone?

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 how it is good for a woman to be married, but also how it is good for her not to be. With my track record, I’m thinking that the latter sounds pretty good! But seriously, I have started asking God that question a lot lately.

Am I meant to talk alone? Am I meant to stay single for the remainder of my days to bring Him glory? Or does He have a man – a good Christian man – out there waiting for me?

These are tough questions to ask because only He knows the answer, but I’m going to put my trust in Him.

He’s led me to where I am now; has broken me, restored me and made me new.

My heart has been broken and He has put it back together again. He has taken me to a new level of faith and trust where I no longer believe the lies of the enemy. He has shown me believe HIS facts and not MY feelings is the only way that I am going to grow in faith. He has provided me stability in the shape of a little white circle and trusting friends who stick by my side. And He has reminded me who my true valentine is.

Is He preparing me for my future husband by teaching me how to be discerning in love? Or is He taking me to a place of complete wellness so I can serve Him without distraction?

Only God knows my true identity. He keeps giving me flashes of who she is. He keeps strengthening me and building my character. Words can’t express my thanks and my love for Him that He loves me THAT much!