I am none of these. I can be none of these.
As I write this, I am "coming down" from not being anywhere close to any of these unrealistic states of expectation.
Today I took the mask off. The answer to, "how are you Paula?" was "I’m cranky, in a foul mood and wishing I wasn’t here."
I couldn't be cool, calm and collected because if I had have been I would have exploded. My mental and physical well-being would have been severely messed up (even more than it already is!).
I felt like I didn't fit in because I wasn't being "normal" and composed. I didn’t have the “smiley face” on.
But that is me. I don't fit in.
I used to want to fit in, but I openly admit that I never have, never will and never want to. I used to want to, but after discovering my personality type earlier in the year, I know that I'm just not that type of person.
A friend said that saying, ""I'm fine" when you're not is wearing a mask. Take off the mask and be authentic, beautiful, broken and the real YOU!"
I will do that, as I'm tired of having to conform, fit in, toe the line, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
I will still do what is right, operate with integrity, be respectful and polite and work to my fullest capacity.
But I refuse to lose who I am - the eclectic, somewhat eccentric and authentic me - in the midst of it all.
I won’t wear a mask just to fit in.