Feeling Confident To Be Me...

My IRL friends and my family may disagree, but my problem is that I suffer from a lack of confidence. When it comes to offering advice, sharing ideas, and mixing in certain circles, I sometimes tend to be more silent than loud. I do wonder if it's because I come from a family of people that cherish their alone (defragging) time, or if it's from too much 'foot in mouth' disease. I do wonder if it's a learned thing, this tendency to be shy and not speak up. Or is it something that has been ingrained into me from being around outspoken people too much? One thing I do know, however, is that I have had to learn to speak up.

I was not always inwardly shy and insecure. I say "inwardly shy" because I have taught myself to overcome this shyness and be the opposite. Prior to moving to Brisbane and separating from my ex-husband, I had confidence in myself, my abilities and my life. I asked a lot of questions and never shied away from being around people I didn't know. But after relocating to Brisbane in 1996, coupled with working as a receptionist to a very flamboyant and somewhat narcissistic man, and also not knowing anyone, my self esteem was significantly affected. The nail in the proverbial confidence coffin was when my ex-husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married. Separated, lonely and living a long way from my family ... well, you can guess how I felt.

While contemplating what I'd write in this post and how I would expand on my confidence issue, a thought crossed my mind on how I've literally had to start my adult life three times. (Yes, it was God, I know!) Now, by starting life again, I am referring to the fact that while I am 41 years of age, I don't feel it. My body knows that I'm forty-one, but my heart, mind and soul don't. Let me explain.

My 'first adult life' started at 20 when I married my ex-husband. My 'second adult life' started at 28 after we had separated and were waiting to get divorced, which is when I met my daughter's father. My 'third adult life' started at 36 after my daughter was born and I decided that I could no longer live with her dad. Hence, I'm now five years into my 'third adult life'.

I feel that this explanation is the most apt for how I feel about being a 41 year old single parent of a seven year old daughter. I don't feel old enough to be forty-one! It's crazy. But it's also an apt explanation as to why I see other women my age and wonder why I don't have it "all together" like they do. Ha! Realistically though, I do know that behind the scenes they surely don't! That's the reassurance that God has given me over the last few years; that every woman - no matter what their life has been like - has issues and hasn't always seemed like she's had it "all together".

And that's the beauty of a life with God; that He knows that, He wants us to know that, and most importantly, He wants us to know that it's OK. We don't have to have it "all together". It's OK to feel like you're not forty-one. It's OK. Period.

But where do we get our confidence from if it's OK to not have it "all together"?

Our confidence comes from God.

One of the more significant lessons I've learned over the last year is that I cannot do life without God. I did try once or twice, and from reading my relationship history above you can tell that I did a fine job of it too! Not! But there was a purpose in all this. God knew what He was doing by letting me do my own thing and mess up my life. He was strengthening me and preparing me for today. For being a 41 year old single parent of a seven year old daughter.

He allowed me to go to rock bottom in my relationships, in my mental state and in my spiritual well-being. He was there watching me - I knew as I could always feel Him - but He let me make my own choices. He let me get to the point where I had no other choice but to call out to Him and ask Him to take me back. He allowed me to ask His forgiveness, and to ask Him - most humbly - to give me another chance.

And He did. He offered me grace. He taught me, slowly, that it's OK to admit you were wrong and start over.

I read a quote by Priscilla Shirer the other day that says, "Sometimes your greatest message is the mess of your life." God needed me to lose confidence in the person I was so that I could become confident in the person I am now - the real me. The woman He pre-destined me to be. When I look at my life - the relationship problems, being a single parent, the nervous breakdowns I've suffered in the last two years, and more - I'm just amazed.

I am amazed by His goodness, grace, mercy and love. And most of all, I’m amazed by His confidence in me! Thank You Lord.

"Me Day" ... Um, No ... HIS DAY!

I enjoyed “Me Day” on Thursday just gone. I feel rather guilty referring to my day off as “Me Day” as it was more about Him than me, hence the title of this post. It was a chance to rest from the daily grind, renew my spirit and refresh my outlook. From the get-go, outside of a niggling day long headache, the day was wonderful!

Isaiah 32:17 spoke to me first – “The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.”

After a somewhat interesting month where I’ve had to deal with some turmoil, this verse spoke of the three things that I have been seeking – peace, quietness and confidence.

The second verse to speak to me was Psalm 19:1 – “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” This verse was accompanied by this quote from Gloria Gaither –

“This day let our actions and attitudes be in sync with all creation. May be articulate praise with the moments we are given today.”

I think I got the purpose of “Me Day” at that point.

God’s love needs to be displayed through me ... first and foremost in everything I think, say and do.

Onto the shopping centre I then ventured to a cafe to enjoy a coffee and read. My sights and thoughts along the way included the following, as written in my notebook once at the cafe:

“Old men sitting outside the supermarket chatting while their wives shopped ... a mum saying “see you later” to her tantrum throwing toddler at the main door.

A visit to the new stationery shop with young girls and boys looking at all the goodies, wanting to make the right purchase. Memories of my early teenage years flood back of me doing the same thing. Walking through to the cafe and seeing two young teenage girls sitting on some steps looking pretty, not returning my smile, looking at me with trepidation, me knowing full well that “image” is taking over their lives.

My thoughts move to being thankful for where I am at in life, despite the difficult times. I have God's love to share with others and I have to start doing that from today. THE MOMENT IS NOW.

Thoughts then go straight to my girlie. Love and smiles abound. I can do this. Even though we have bad times and she frustrates me no end (and vice versa!), I can do what God needs me to do; steward this child, this gift from God, into a life filled with richness.

I am not God’s purpose. He is using ME to show Himself to others.”

My cafe reading included continuing Liz Curtis Higgs’ book titled “Embrace Grace” and the chapters on embracing faith and truth. I then moved onto reading through the first chapter titled “Doing What’s Right” from Charles Swindoll’s book, “A Life Well Lived.” I then did some study questions from Micca Campbell’s “An Untroubled Heart” to finish off her amazing book.

All food for my soul and spirit on this day that I feel God used to strengthen me. He used the day to take me back to the basics of my walk with Him and to reassure me that through Him I can be all that He needs me to be, despite the fact that on the most part I feel I do a terrible job!

There are many, many verses that I read that spoke to me, but the following two stood out the most:

“We must obey God rather than man.” – Acts 5:29

“The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” – Psalm 118:6

A timely reminder about where my focus needs to be. Even when manking conspires against me, when life here on earth gets a bit tiresome and unfair, I have the assurance of God's protection and love over me.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the opportunity to draw closer to you; to gain strength and reassurance from only you. May my walk here on earth among mankind be fruitful and grace-filled. May I live simply under the shelter of your wings and may Your purpose for me be fulfilled. In Jesus’ Wonderful Name, Amen.

Yes To God Tuesday - Chapter Three: Ms Confidence...

After many attempts at writing my post for this chapter, I decided to read through some other posts and then write mine. Now, it’s not that I was stumped by this chapter; it’s more the fact that my brain capacity has been somewhat stilted this week. I'm pleased to say that I didn’t even get through the first paragraph of Naomi from Among the Gum Trees post, and my writer’s block disappeared and I knew my direction for this post.

Naomi summed it up nicely in paragraph one on how I feel about confidence – “I now believe that having confidence means that we know that no matter what, God loves us. Plain and pure and simply, He loves us and therefore we live in confidence - confidence in Him, and confidence in who we are in Him.”

I certainly do believe this and God has proven to me over the last year that He is all that I need to be confident in my life and all that I do. Naomi writes how she has known that but not lived it, and I can honestly say that I have known that too, to a certainly degree, and definitely did not live it, but I now, in my 39th year of life, know it, FEEL IT, and live it.

Before that…well, I spent my late teens and all of my adult life (yes, ALL of it, until the last year) searching for confidence in the wrong places. People and possessions do NOT give you confidence. These things make you think that you’re confident in a temporal sense but they do not go through your skin and plant confidence in your soul where you really need to feel it. Only a firm belief and trust in God can do that.

I used to be the kind of girl who had to have everything organised and perfect; I had to know what I was doing step by step of the way; whether that was in my relationships, my finances or my home life. That is a really unhealthy way to do life as I found out. So now, I’m less organised than I ever used to be and have become a ‘face the fear and do it’ kind of girl.

Lisa writes that “The reality is that no matter how confident we as women want people to think we are, there are moments for all of us when the layers are not quite thick enough to keep us completely insulated.” Deep down inside I get scared and I put on a brave front to face the world from time to time, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I discussed my confidence with my best friend here yesterday and she agreed with me in that what you see is what you get with me. I don’t pretend that I’m ‘all that’ in the confidence stakes, but I am confident. I don’t pretend that I’m not vulnerable, as I will openly admit that I am. I get nervous just going outside my front door some days!

I like to look nice and be presentable when I leave the house, but there are days when I just don’t care, and that’s cool with me; I still feel confident in who I am. I like to have my house clean and tidy, but again there are days when I just don’t care; but that doesn’t’ mean that has to effect who I am as far as my confidence goes. I am confident in the fact that at that very moment in time I am loved – 100% - by my creator and that no matter what I look like, or whether my house is spotless or not, He will still love me and enable me to be all that I am for Him.

“A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey…But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.” I never used to think that I was strong enough for the journey, but my journey, especially over the last 3 years, has made me strong. Even now when I have my bad days (or weeks) I have faith that by the end of the trip I’m going to be stronger than what I was in the beginning.

One sentence that Lisa wrote really stood out to me - “Sadly, in our society, the way many women view our sexuality seems to be the litmus test about how confident and strong we are.” Society has made it so that women feel that have to look a certain way and act a certain way to be confident, and more importantly, to feel popular and loved. This is so wrong! I know all too well how the search for acceptance and love – for confidence in self – is targeted in all the wrong areas. The idea that looking a certain way, being popular with the guys (sprinkler girl has it SO wrong!) and gaining confidence through physical relations with others is not how God intended it to be. You will only feel confident until your looks fade, the guys (might I add, the shallow guys) move onto the next chick who is wearing a smaller bikini, and you’ve ‘lent’ yourself to one too many for the sake of a temporary feeling of being loved and appreciated and that feeling is gone. I know this because, outside of the sprinkler and the bikini, I have lived this!

God is my confidence. He has given me the confidence and abilities that I have now to live my life for His purpose, not mine. I will not, and I know this for fact, be a confident woman by putting on a made up face, by wearing the finest clothes, by being popular with the ‘in’ crowd, or by belittling other people and negating their ideas with mine. No, no and no!

Proverbs 3:26 sums it up nicely - “For the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.” The snare is getting a temporary high – that feeling of worth - from a false confidence that worldly pleasures and appreciation gives. Only a God-filled life can give us the true confidence we need. Amen to that!