Loving My Girl & Loving Life Again...

It's been quite a while since this photo was taken (hence the ugly glasses and way too short hair!), but every time I look at it I think of how delightful my girl was then...and is now. I miss my little girl a lot. The reason I do is that when she was a toddler, her father and I were in the process of separating. Then in the years afterward - even up until now - I've been on a journey of returning to me, and to God; finding myself again after many years in the wilderness.

I've dealt with emotional abuse, exposure to self-deprication, sexual abuse even...and now I'm dealing with overcoming depression and anxiety, with perhaps a little bit of post-traumatic stress thrown in.

So now it's my turn to live, and my girl's turn. My hope is to get my act together to raise my girl to the best of my ability, and with God's help and guideance. I am rediscovering my love of craft, namely knitting and crocheting, and also my love of art. I've recently started drawing and painting again and I'm finding such great joy in it.

I'm living a truly single for the first time ever in my adult life. It's been a bumpy road to get to where I am now, but I'm thankful that I'm here. Creativity has replaced co-dependency. Peace has replaced momentary physical pleasure. Clear direction has replaced cloudy dreams.

God is good.

If Something Feels Wrong, It Is Wrong...

From TheSingleWoman, some truth to instill into my life:

The Single Woman's Dash of Sass: July 14, 2011

Quote of the Day:

“Listen to your inner voice... for it is a deep and powerful source of wisdom, beauty and truth, ever flowing through you... Learn to trust it, trust your intuition, and in good time, answers to all you seek to know will come, and the path will open before you.” ~Caroline Joy Adams

The Single Woman Says:

Your intuition IS REAL. Don’t just hear it. Listen to it. If you sense a red flag going up in your mind, STOP, slow down, listen, reevaluate. It only takes ONE stop sign to make us stop a car…so why does it take numerous red flags to bring a relationship or situation to a halt? If something is nagging at the corners of your mind about a person, place, job, or circumstance…listen to your heart and get to the bottom of what your concern is. And if you can’t get to the bottom of it and you’re still feeling uneasy, let it go anyway. You will NEVER find your destiny down a dead end road…so make a YOU-turn and take the next exit onto Better-Safe-Than-Sorry Avenue!

Preventing Anger and Exasperation as a Single Mother...

Do you find yourself at the end of your rope as a single mum? Do you have trouble holding your anger inside? God has the perfect remedy for you. It’s Him. Read how you can overcome and bless you and your household!“For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” - James 1:20 (KJV)

This verse literally saved me. As a frustrated, stressed, tired and depressed single mum, I heard Bishop TD Jakes mention this verse during a sermon on Liberation. I knew instantly that this was the beginning of my road to anger recovery.

I didn’t know why I was angry, but I knew that I was. My work, home life and self were affected. I felt frustrated and I didn’t know how to pull myself out of the pit I was in. This verse reminded me of God’s righteousness, especially as I was stopping it from manifesting itself in my life.

The Causes and Results of Anger Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) tells us to “...not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” To do this I had to let myself be instructed by the Lord. I was trying to do things my way, thus creating more anger and exasperation. The worst thing that happened in all of this; my daughter started imitating me!

Imitation is Not Always Flattery American author, James A. Baldwin, wrote that “children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” That’s exactly what was happening to me! I would tell my daughter “no” and she would get angry and scream at me. I eventually caught on that it was not her fault; it was mine. She was merely imitating me.

Be a Loving Example God’s loving kindness is what our children need to see. While that is sometimes difficult as a single mum, it is of utmost importance if we are to raise them well. Noting Baldwin’s quote above, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we, as adults and children of God, imitated His behaviours in addition to listening to Him! That, right there, is the key to preventing anger and exasperation in our children’s lives; imitating God and how He is with us.

Preventing Discouragement Colossians 3:21 (NIV) tells what will happen if we exasperate our children; they will become discouraged. The worst thing that children need, especially in single parent homes, is discouragement. They are already dealing with enough as it is. They look to the one constant in their life – us – for support, encouragement, comfort and love. When they don’t get that, imagine how confusing it is for them!

God’s Remedy For Change Spending time in the Word and reading about how God deals with His children, especially looking at the Israelites and their journey through the wilderness; can really help to train us on how we are to be with our children. Also putting ourselves in our children’s shoes is beneficial. Imagine if God screamed and yelled at us every time we made a mistake!

Using Your Voice Being aware of how you speak to your child is important too. They will not only match mood, words and behaviours, but also the tone of voice. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) Stopping, breathing and praying are ways to combat angry outbursts and to speak calmly. Ask God for His help when you feel you’re at the end of your rope. He is the knot you can tie in it to stop you from falling.

Dear Lord, I pray that as single mums we can remember that we are to not exasperate our children. I pray that as we come to You for help, that we will be blessed by Your guidance and love so that we can in turn show that to our children. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen

Learning Simplicity As a Single Mother...

As single mums, one of the main focuses is on what is in front of us on a daily basis. Whether you work in or out of the home, as I do, maintaining an organised house is important. I consider myself blessed to only have one child, so my heart goes out to other single mums who have more children! Life can be tough enough without having to worry about how clean the floor is, when the bed sheets were last changed, and so on, when all your kiddies want is some time with mum!

Ponder Simplicity I’m not sure why, but when pondering biblical examples about simplicity I thought about when Jesus sent the twelve disciples out. They were told in Luke 9:3 (NIV) to “Take nothing for the journey – no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic.” Now while we as single mums cannot go without such things, we can minimise the material possessions we have to make life simpler.

Make Adjustments I am guilty of having the buying bug over the last few years and now parts of my house have that ‘lived in’ looked (aka an organised mess). I need to cull, cleanse, tidy, organise, simplify and streamline. It will make my house tidier, give it a clean and fresh feel, and will mean less dusting!

But that is just one area that we as single mums can make adjustments in. Others areas include:

- Buying clothes that are easy to launder and require minimal or no ironing
- Eating easy to prepare and healthy meals that both mums and kids alike will eat
- Having a routine that is both practical and flexible; allowing for change as the children get older and more self-reliant
- Introducing a team mentality to the household. Get the kids to help out with age specific chores as soon as possible and make them fun.

Step Out in Faith While these are only a few of the ideas that can make life at home for a single mum more bearable, one really important thing we can all do is what the disciples did when they were sent out; step out in faith.. They were sent out on a faith mission. Jesus gave them supernatural powers to heal the sick and work many miracles. While we may not actually do those things, our responsibility towards our children is our mission and I believe that God is imploring us to step out in faith and rely on Him to find some single mum simplicity in our lives.

Do Not Worry Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV) specifically to not worry about anything, yet many of us do. Despite the circumstances as to why we are now single mothers, we are reminded here that we are valuable.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” – Matthew 6:25 (NIV)

Seek God for Clarity Spend some time with Him today and ask how you can simplify your life. Look at each aspect of your day and make a list of what you deem necessary and unnecessary. What jobs around the house can your kids help with or take over? What meals take too long to prepare and even longer to clean up?

Dear Lord, thank You for providing all our needs and making us more valuable than the sparrows of the air. I pray that as we travel on this journey that you show us what is necessary and what is not. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.

Learning to Be a Single Mother Success...

Just under a year ago I had the pleasure of posting two single mum articles at Exemplify Online & Magazine. As being a single mum is a passion of mine, I thought that over the next few weeks I’d share these articles, and also one that was never published. I also hope to post more regularly on life as a single mum in the hope that my experiences can help someone else!

As a single mum, aka solo parent, now for just over 4 years (5 years now!), I know why I am where I am. It is to bless others! God has impressed many things upon me about being a single mum, and despite the hardship that surrounds my life at times, I know that it is all for His glory. I once heard that “we are all exactly today where we are meant to be”. I believe that to be true, even if just for a season until God moves us onto the next season.

Being a single mum can be hard work. It’s not only the physical aspect but it’s also the emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects that take a toll. Wherever you have come from, or wherever you are now in your single mum journey, you will go through a myriad of emotions, thoughts and experiences that will test you. The key is to pass the test…to learn from the experience…to come out on top…to succeed.

We don’t always succeed, but our Rock, Expert Educator, Saviour and God is right here to support us. He is the one means to get through it all. When your children test you, work is busy, your ex is making life difficult and you feel that you just cannot go on…the one place to turn is heavenward.

I find myself asking God for a lot of advice on raising my daughter. I remember one day not long ago I asked Him for guidance in a certain situation. I chuckled as I added, “…because I know that I haven’t been the easiest child to deal with and I know that you know what I need to do!”

Yes, being a single mum can be tough, but we have the best source of support – EVER – right at our fingertips. Not only can we pray to God at any given time, but we can turn to His Word for the wisdom we need to succeed. We can also source out godly advice from web pages such as this site, and more. And while it may seem difficult at the time and you just cannot wait to see results, His results will come and will BLOW. YOU. AWAY.

I look at Hagar and the widow at Zarephath. They were single mothers; both under different circumstances, yet God knew exactly how to bless them. He will not abandon us to raise our children alone. He is their father after all, and ours. He is the husband, partner, confidante and covering that we need to steward our children – His children – into adulthood. We are truly blessed to have Him this close. And believe me, He IS close to us as single mums; closer than we think.

The blessings that God bestows upon me on this journey are simply amazing. The comfort and protection He provides is astounding. My hope is that I can bless other single mums with the experience I have under my belt. I look forward to your comments, and even suggestions about topics you would like covered here. The important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone on your journey…God is with you ALWAYS!

And as the angel of God told Hagar in Genesis 21:17 (NIV) from heaven…”Don’t be afraid; God has heard…”.

- How has God blessed you as a single mum?

- What lessons are you learning at the moment?

- Is there a single mum from in the Bible that you look to for inspiration?

Dear Lord, thank You for your blessings, comfort and protection as we travel on this single mum journey. I pray that you always guide us and provide with wisdom we need to steward our children – your children – into adulthood. I pray also that as fellow single mums we can bless and support each other more through this blog. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.

Discovering My True Identity...

(Photo credit to Anna-Claire Photography © 2010)

During my life I’ve been known as Julie and Russell’s daughter, Jamie and Anthony’s sister, Ron’s wife, Paul’s girlfriend, E’s partner and Jasmine’s mum. Finally, it seems, I am discovering who I am as me...Paula - God’s daughter, Jesus’ beloved and... Jasmine’s mum.

It’s a surreal feeling to NOT be somebody’s ‘other half’; to not be one half of a couple. For the last 22 years that’s who I have been. I’ve always, give or take a few months here and there, had a significant other. You know the great news now though? My significant other now is THE Significant Other; The One worthy of capital letters in every instance where His name is mentioned.

I sometimes get a longing inside when I see a couple sharing a loving word or touch. I often feel that pang when I read on Twitter or Facebook that a wife is excited because her husband will be home soon, and so on. The feeling doesn’t last long, and once I get back into my usual routine and start doing what I like to do, ie spending ALL day in bed reading, sleeping, watching movies, etc, then I think that it isn’t such a bad thing. And I seem to then always ask myself THAT question...

Am I meant to walk alone?

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 how it is good for a woman to be married, but also how it is good for her not to be. With my track record, I’m thinking that the latter sounds pretty good! But seriously, I have started asking God that question a lot lately.

Am I meant to talk alone? Am I meant to stay single for the remainder of my days to bring Him glory? Or does He have a man – a good Christian man – out there waiting for me?

These are tough questions to ask because only He knows the answer, but I’m going to put my trust in Him.

He’s led me to where I am now; has broken me, restored me and made me new.

My heart has been broken and He has put it back together again. He has taken me to a new level of faith and trust where I no longer believe the lies of the enemy. He has shown me believe HIS facts and not MY feelings is the only way that I am going to grow in faith. He has provided me stability in the shape of a little white circle and trusting friends who stick by my side. And He has reminded me who my true valentine is.

Is He preparing me for my future husband by teaching me how to be discerning in love? Or is He taking me to a place of complete wellness so I can serve Him without distraction?

Only God knows my true identity. He keeps giving me flashes of who she is. He keeps strengthening me and building my character. Words can’t express my thanks and my love for Him that He loves me THAT much!