I Have to Stop...

What do you do when you have nothing? Nothing inside to give. No energy or enthusiasm. For me, I been told I have to stop. I must come to a stand still to regroup before I can move forward again.

I'm feeling rather discombobulated at the moment. I've realised the lies of my life, and now the truth, is sinking in. And the truth hurts ... a lot.

I thought that I'd be OK post relationship breakdown, and I've been moving along quite steadily. Until this last week or so. I guess the grieving process - the healing process - moved up to the next notch. And boy does it hurt.

Flashes of happy memories mixed with flashes of the truth that is in the now. The lie that is, and was my last relationship.

It's a bittersweet realisation that someone who made my life seem complete is also the one who tore me down, made me lose my dignity, and brushed me off as a confused person.

I know that I've had my "confused" moments in life, but I do know for a fact that I am NOT confused about what is right and wrong as far as God is concerned. There is no confusing how we are made as humans, nor how we are to interact, and with whom.

Anger is festering up on the inside of me because of this person's deception and the affect it's had on me. I don't want that to be the case. I want to move on and get on with my life. I want to forgive him for the hurt he has caused me, but I want him to suffer just as much as I am right now.

God has told me that in order to get over my anger and to forgive him, I have to stop.

I have to let the grieving process take it's course. I have to let the myriad of emotions be released.

I have to let God do what He needs to do within me so I can live and love again.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. 
- Psalm 27:7 NLT

The presence of the Lord is all around me. Every day I hear and feel His gentle reminders of my worth, and that He has something - and someone - so much better in store for me.

What is also around me, especially at night, are the memories, the horrid visions that come in my dreams. I have been having these dreams now for over two years, and I know now that it is God showing me - etching onto my core - what the truth of my last relationship was.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day.
- Psalm 91:5 NLT 

The terrors of the night are my dreams, and the arrows that fly in the day are the memories of him. And knowing that he is out there living his life without me and thinking that there is nothing wrong with him; that it's all me. That really hurts.

But ... God and I know different. And God is my witness to what the truth is and He has shared that with me in so many ways over the last two years of my life. He knew I needed to go through what I went through in order to be who I am today. Like I said ... it's bittersweet.

But thankfully ... "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 61:1-2 NIV) 

If Something Feels Wrong, It Is Wrong...

From TheSingleWoman, some truth to instill into my life:

The Single Woman's Dash of Sass: July 14, 2011

Quote of the Day:

“Listen to your inner voice... for it is a deep and powerful source of wisdom, beauty and truth, ever flowing through you... Learn to trust it, trust your intuition, and in good time, answers to all you seek to know will come, and the path will open before you.” ~Caroline Joy Adams

The Single Woman Says:

Your intuition IS REAL. Don’t just hear it. Listen to it. If you sense a red flag going up in your mind, STOP, slow down, listen, reevaluate. It only takes ONE stop sign to make us stop a car…so why does it take numerous red flags to bring a relationship or situation to a halt? If something is nagging at the corners of your mind about a person, place, job, or circumstance…listen to your heart and get to the bottom of what your concern is. And if you can’t get to the bottom of it and you’re still feeling uneasy, let it go anyway. You will NEVER find your destiny down a dead end road…so make a YOU-turn and take the next exit onto Better-Safe-Than-Sorry Avenue!

How Great Thou Art...

No Longer Believing Lies...

Used, abused, treated like a silly girl, and always made to feel in the wrong...

I could go on, but listing how I was made to feel will only be detrimental to me. It’s bad enough that I still remember, and feel, the emotion behind these things, let alone listing them all. And no, my situation is NOT as bad as it seems from the first two words in my list, but it did leave me feeling less of a woman, less of a person and a second class citizen for a while.

What happened to me? I ask myself the same question, as sometimes I feel numb towards the harshness of it all. The harsh reality of what I actually allowed myself to go through and to tolerate. But then again, I am not surprised, as I’ve lived my life feeling numb towards a lot of things.

About six years ago depression reared its ugly head in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back now, I can see the evidence. I can see me becoming less and less motivated. Losing interest in my appearance. Not wanting to do things. Preferring to stay at home rather than go out. Not even having the confidence to buy clothes. Some pretty sad recollections actually.

Fast forward almost six years and I’ve moved from being a mum in a de facto relationship with someone who I should have known better than to be with, to a single woman and solo parent who allowed herself to be led down a path where nobody who was raised in a good Christian home should go. What was I thinking?

The answer is that I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking when I hooked up with my daughter’s father, and I wasn’t thinking when I allowed my mind, body, heart and soul to be infiltrated by the exact thing that God opposes – sexual immorality. Yes, I’ve said it. SEXUAL. IMMORALITY.

I’m not going to hide the fact anymore that I have led a promiscuous life. From being a somewhat shy little 16 year old telling the older male workmate that “No, I’m not into sex” at the Christmas dinner, to being the girl 2 years later that, well...let’s just say, I did lots of things by then that I should not have.

I’m not ashamed anymore, and I’m not embarrassed. God is forgiving and merciful, and if any readers can’t be, then take it up with God; He is the only One I answer to.

I have many emotional scars that are rough and rugged and hurt often. A photo here, a song there, a memory that will pop into my head, a feeling, an emotion...I don’t need condemnation from the world because of my promiscuous past; I live every day with reminders with me. Things that the enemy wants to condemn me with.

“You bad girl, Paula. How could you do that? How could you disappoint your family? How could you let someone do that to you?”

Lie after lie after lie. He spits it at me. He shows me a face that makes my heart leap and says, “Yes, you know you want that!” He brings up a news headline that forces my mind back to another time and he says, “See what you’re missing out on Paula!”

But no...not anymore. I’m not going to stand for the enemy’s lies in my life. I know fact over feeling. I know that what I experienced was NOT what God wanted, but a choice I made based on who I WAS at the time. But God has changed me since then, and I moved on. It took quite some time, and the pain is still very raw and very real for me. But I am in a better place. I am with God. I am rebuilding His temple. I am restoring my dignity. I am renewing my life. I am replacing lies with truth.

The enemy can no longer lie to me. He cannot send someone my way to sweep me off my feet again without first getting passed my Heavenly Father who is protecting me from the worlds lies, depravity and ways.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for saving me from a fragmented life; a life where I was balancing on the fence. The journey has been painful, and continues to hurt, but I know that You are with me every step of the way. Never leaving my side, and never telling me that I am anything but Your precious daughter. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.

Yes to God Tuesday: Chapter Four - Speaking Truth to Your Issues...

I'm a week behind, but I WILL catch up on this amazing study of Jennifer Rothschild's book "Self Talk, Soul Talk", which is hosted by Lelia at Write From the Heart.

Jennifer opens this chapter by talking about the bleeding woman from Matthew 9:20-22 (also see Mark 5:25-34). She talks how “this woman had a single, insurmountable issue, and she had endured it for 12 long years.” Doesn’t that sound familiar? Yes, it does. We have issues that we endure, that “complicate everything”, that “challenge us, drain us, isolate us, and perplex us.” We really don’t do ourselves any good when we have issues, especially when we don’t talk to ourselves the way in which we should. I know that for me, I speak to myself so badly that it amazes me.

This woman, however, knew how to talk the right talk to herself and her soul. She put her talk into actions - she talked and walked by faith - and “she reached out her hand and touched Jesus.” And what did He do? He healed her. She knew that if she could only touch Him then He would heal her, and she was right. Why did she know this? Because “she talked to herself”.

But, she didn’t just talk some namby pamby talk to cover up the fact that she’d tried for 12 years via various means to rid herself of her bleeding. “She spoke words of wisdom and truth to her soul.” She no longer was relying on self help, on doctors to cure her, on magic cures. No, she gave up on all those things, and told herself, in wisdom and in truth, to go to the One who she knew could heal her. She didn’t just talk herself into it, she knew. “Her faith invited healing.” Jennifer expands on this and tells how “Jesus never said her soul talk made her well. He said it was her faith...Her soul talk contributed to her faith, but it didn’t replace her faith.”

I love how Jennifer writes that “it’s essential that we center our soul talk on the truth of Scripture and on our faith in Christ.” I guess the key here is that we need to stop thinking that what WE think and tell ourselves will make everything better. No, it won’t. Only faith and trust in God will do that. We must base our self talk and our soul talk on the truth of that fact.

One way of doing this is what Jennifer tells about what she did one day. She “wrenched her gaze from my own crowd of problems and focused for a moment completely on God.” I’ve done that. I’ve been in the midst of a mental, emotional and physical breakdown and literally grabbed for God, leaned on Him, pleaded with Him and sought after Him to release me from my own crazy self talk. Release from my problems only comes from seeking Him through prayer and reading the Scriptures. His truth is in there, His guidance is in there, but we need to learn to stop trying to talk ourselves into feeling good based on what we know. We know nothing compared to Him.

Jennifer leads us into the topic of self-control. I know that my self-control is weak at times. I do, think and say things that are completely nuts and completely against what I know as truth. My 'insane' mind crowds out my 'sane' mind, which I know is the truth. I need, like Jennifer has, “to rely instead on the Spirit’s control in my life – God’s Spirit.”

Jennifer runs through the four roles that the Spirit has in our lives: Counsellor, Christ’s Representative, Teacher and Reminder. A study question at the end of the chapter asks the reader to identify which out of the four roles are needed most in our lives. I answered that I need all of them. As Counsellor so I accept the truth – His truth – in my life instead of worrying about what people think of me. As Christ’s Representative to quieten myself and to hear what the Spirit is saying to me, and asking Him for help when times get tough. As Teacher so I can learn more from God, become less reliant on self while learning how to understand myself better; to know the Paula that God knows. And as a Reminder that God created me “just the way I am”, that I am special, I am His, and I have a purpose.

I could write more and more about this amazing chapter, but time doesn’t allow for it. What I do need to do though is to make sure that I think “praiseworthy” thoughts so that I (and I absolutely love how Jennifer hits home in only a few words with things) “end up at the destination of truth.”

“...destination of truth...”

We all know where that is; right where God’s Spirit is. Jennifer says that “if we follow God’s Spirit, we trade our negative and unprofitable thoughts for thoughts that are positive and fruitful. He is the One who leads us to know what is worthy of our thought closet and what should be thrown in the Dumpster.”

The bleeding woman knew where to find the "destination of truth". Jennifer's closing sentence in the chapter reads -

"She told herself the truth, and that led her straight to Jesus. May you be that woman."

Yes, may I be that woman, and may you be that woman also.

...He turned and looked at her, saying "take heart daughter...your faith has healed you", and from that moment she was healed..." (Paraphrased from Matthew 9:22 NIV)

Speak truth about your issues to yourself with wisdom that our Lord God blesses you with. Remember who you are in Him. We are not 'fashionistas' from the Dumpster; we wear Heavenly Realm fashion, and we must not forget that.

(My post on "Chapter 5 - Tune In: Awake, My Soul" is on its way soon. Now that the introduction to school week is over, life is settling down somewhat at home. Jennifer has some amazing stuff to share in this book, and the book is well worth the read!)

Yes to God Tuesday: "Behind Those Eyes" Review...

The Yes to God Tuesday study on “Behind Those Eyes: What’s really going on inside the souls of women” by Lisa Whittle (and hosted by Lelia at "Write From Heart") was most definitely a gift sent from God for me. Although I did not get to ‘properly’ finish the study with the other ladies due to life getting a bit out of control late last year, I have still been reading through the book, and last night I finished it!

Lisa starts to book with a chapter called “The Truth Hurts”. And it does! Right from that chapter to the end, there were a lot of truths that jumped out and jabbed me right where it hurts the most...in my soul! Lisa finished the book with “The Truth Heals”, which is most poignant as, from cover to cover, this book shows that the truth not only hurts but it heals, and healing is what a lot of women (and men, if truth be known) need in their lives.

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32.

Lisa showed us in each chapter about how this verse is so very truth, from covering the various charades that we hide behind (perfection, confidence, happiness and spirituality) to the fact that we use cosmetics (not literally though!) to cover up the blemishes in our souls and how we conceal all that we can about ourselves. But the jewel, the shining light, the beacon of hope, and, as Lisa calls it, "THE REAL DEAL", comes in part three. Fourteen words in two sentences that come straight from the Father to us via Lisa...

“We are completely loved and accepted completely”...“we are completely flawed yet forgiven completely.”

These are 14 words that we need to hear, and 14 words that we need to REALLY believe. God loves us in spite of ourselves. We are the reason why we don’t feel free. We equate freedom to the worldly perspective; what this person thinks of us, to how we look, to why we act the way we do. But God, and let’s thank Him for this, He does not change the way He thinks about us, we don’t have to do anything to impress Him, He made us the way we are and delights in what we consider foibles, and He created us to act, talk, walk, think, sit, eat...just everything really...the way we do.

Isn’t it pleasing, and a relief, to know that we...do...not...need...to...impress...anyone! The only One that matters is already impressed with us!

I think that I am hopeless at life...at times. I think that I fail at doing this or doing that...at times. I sometimes think I laugh too loud, frown too much and daydream a little too often, but the realisation is that this is who I am meant to be has now hit home through reading Lisa’s book. I laugh loud because it’s my way of sharing my joy, I frown too much because I am a deep thinker, and I daydream a little too often because I know that there is more to life than just getting up and doing the same old thing every day.

There are many scribbles in my “Behind Those Eyes” book now, and too many for me to make reference to my favourite quotes from Lisa. Basically, I loved the whole book. It IS truth and it IS a means of freedom for anyone who is trapped in a life of not quite being who you think you should be. If you want to know the person that God planned for you to be, read the book. It will open your eyes, and your soul, to the ‘you’ that God intended. It will teach you that ‘you’ are the reason that your soul is clouded with doubt and fear, and also why freedom in your heart, soul and mind is just that little bit out of your grasp.

In closing, I will quote Lisa who clears up that mystery, when she writes...

“Know this, my sisters and friends: Jesus is the only One who can truly heal our souls, from the inside out.”

There, my friends, is how you can find out “what’s really going on inside” your soul. His truth is simple: He loves us just the way we are (there is that Bridget Jones quote again!). We make it hard as we do not open ourselves up to the truth, which is a truth that WILL set you free.