Going Through The Motions (Again)...

Ending a relationship is never easy. The downhill journey to where I am now in regard to my last love relationship has been a very bumpy one, and it seems the ride is not yet over.

I've said goodbye many times but keep returning. What also returns is the shame, hurt and indescribable suffering.

But I hope this time is the last time. My health cannot do it anymore. My well-being is at stake. And I've now told him this.

It doesn't stop me from missing him. From remembering every single little detail there is to remember from our brief time together over 5 years ago.

You see, I fell in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world. One whom I met when very young, was then "lost" forever in my life but returned again.

Part of my "going through the motions" is wishing I had never found him again. That I had not given my heart to him. That I had journeyed through the last 6 plus years without his influence in my life.

But then I would not have returned to Jesus. I would not be the woman I am today, complete with emotional scars that feel like they will smart forever.

But God has it under control. He knows that I am tough enough to deal with the hurt, shame, regret and heartache. He knows who I will be when I come out the other side...healed, whole and restored.

I miss the man I fell in love with, but remind myself that he wasn't who he appeared to be. That I was kept conventiently at a very large distance, and that I was a case of "having his cake and eating it too" despite his declarations of love (see my previous post for my thoughts on love and action).

I am hurting. I have a lot happening in my life. But I am hanging in there purely by the mighty grace of my Father God. He is the reason I can carry on.

Paula xo

Death Would Have Been Easier...

When my marriage broke down in July, 1997, I remember thinking that the pain would be easier to deal with if my now ex-husband had died instead of just having left me. I feel exactly the same now about my recent relationship break up.

You see, he lives on the other side of the world. I haven't seen him for over 4 years. Our break up was messy. There was no amicable end like there was with my marriage.

If my last partner had died, I know that I would not be hurting like I am now.

To know and love someone and feel joy and happiness when thinking about him, compared to now feeling hurt, deceived and wronged ... it's painful. Knowing that he's out there enjoying his life without me - with his idiosyncrasies and all - hurts.

He said he loved me, I was his soul mate, he wanted to marry me and be with me always.

But his actions - more to the point, his actions that he didn't know I found out about - proved otherwise.

If he had died and was now sitting in heaven with Jesus; that would be easier to deal with. I know that I wouldn't be missing out (even though I keep telling myself that I'm not really). I know that I would be able to move on faster. I know that I would be able to forgive him.

Death brings such a finality that is easier to accept than just a broken relationship. For me it does anyway. Others, maybe not.

Death means that the person is no longer walking the earth, going about their daily business. Death would mean that he would not have told me that I was confused and to not contact him to communicate my thoughts on him. Death would mean that he would no longer harbour negative thoughts and opinions about me.

Death would mean that it would have been the end of the story.

Yes, our relationship is over and we no longer communicate but there is the nagging feeling within that the story was not ended right. One thing God is teaching me is that this is how the story was meant to end. It was not meant to be a nice ending. I was meant to learn something.

And I have.

I've learnt that there are some things in life that can't be explained, and that I have to wait until Heaven to get to the end of the story.

But death would have made the end seem nearer. For now, though, I will wait.

I Have to Stop...

What do you do when you have nothing? Nothing inside to give. No energy or enthusiasm. For me, I been told I have to stop. I must come to a stand still to regroup before I can move forward again.

I'm feeling rather discombobulated at the moment. I've realised the lies of my life, and now the truth, is sinking in. And the truth hurts ... a lot.

I thought that I'd be OK post relationship breakdown, and I've been moving along quite steadily. Until this last week or so. I guess the grieving process - the healing process - moved up to the next notch. And boy does it hurt.

Flashes of happy memories mixed with flashes of the truth that is in the now. The lie that is, and was my last relationship.

It's a bittersweet realisation that someone who made my life seem complete is also the one who tore me down, made me lose my dignity, and brushed me off as a confused person.

I know that I've had my "confused" moments in life, but I do know for a fact that I am NOT confused about what is right and wrong as far as God is concerned. There is no confusing how we are made as humans, nor how we are to interact, and with whom.

Anger is festering up on the inside of me because of this person's deception and the affect it's had on me. I don't want that to be the case. I want to move on and get on with my life. I want to forgive him for the hurt he has caused me, but I want him to suffer just as much as I am right now.

God has told me that in order to get over my anger and to forgive him, I have to stop.

I have to let the grieving process take it's course. I have to let the myriad of emotions be released.

I have to let God do what He needs to do within me so I can live and love again.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. 
- Psalm 27:7 NLT

The presence of the Lord is all around me. Every day I hear and feel His gentle reminders of my worth, and that He has something - and someone - so much better in store for me.

What is also around me, especially at night, are the memories, the horrid visions that come in my dreams. I have been having these dreams now for over two years, and I know now that it is God showing me - etching onto my core - what the truth of my last relationship was.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day.
- Psalm 91:5 NLT 

The terrors of the night are my dreams, and the arrows that fly in the day are the memories of him. And knowing that he is out there living his life without me and thinking that there is nothing wrong with him; that it's all me. That really hurts.

But ... God and I know different. And God is my witness to what the truth is and He has shared that with me in so many ways over the last two years of my life. He knew I needed to go through what I went through in order to be who I am today. Like I said ... it's bittersweet.

But thankfully ... "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 61:1-2 NIV) 

Divorced...Again!

As a divorcee, I know what it means to facilitate the process of divorce. One person decides that they are going to divorce the other, both parties know about it, and both parties then sign the piece of paper that makes it official. Well...I got told today that someone whom I thought of as a friend has “divorced” me from their life. Yes, you could say that this terminology came as a surprise to me, but not as much of a surprise as to why. Even more surprising is the timeline of events leading up to this one-sided “divorce” process.

I perhaps should not post this, but I'm going to because, aside from not naming names, this situation has only highlighted the infallibility of the human condition; the fact that I foolishly give others an undeserving level of respect, and then subsequently get burnt. You’d think after almost 41 years of walking this earth I would know...but I am a slow learner with some things. Another reason for posting this is because it will show you whom it is that you CAN rely upon!

After having gone through almost 3 months of psychologist visits to sort out my own life, I am trying really hard to understand the other person in this situation. I just cannot. I perhaps should have left well enough alone and not said that this person is hurting me by their behaviour towards me, but I deserve respect. Never mind the fact that I had no idea what I had done for this person to do a 180 degree turn and treat me nicely one week and totally ignore me the next!

I read this tweet from @AverageBlackMan on Twitter today - "People will hate you, Parents will provoke you, family will divorce you, but real friends will always build you and God will always love you." It was a timely reminder of where I am to focus my attention during this time of “post-divorce” shock; on God.

He is infallible, unfailing, trustworthy, kind, gracious, loving, honouring, ever-present, reliable...just to name a few of His wonderful traits.

“We are never nearer Christ than when we find ourselves lost in a holy amazement at His unspeakable love.” - John Owen

I got to this place this afternoon; sitting in my car while waiting for my daughter who was at a dancing lesson. I sat for 45 minutes pondering this “divorce” and pondering life in general. After a long 6 months of anxiety attacks, increased anti-depressant medication, illness, a love relationship breakdown, a change in job (to a job that I actually LOVE!), solo parenting a feisty 6 year old girl, financial concerns, and more, I finally realised that I am closer to God than I’ve ever been at any other time in my life.

And that is my hope and my promise; that as a child of the Most High God, He will be with me always and will never do to me all that has been done to me by humans.

He is infallible! He will never divorce me, blame me, mistreat me, ignore me or generally make me feel that everything is my fault.

He just loves me, as my Heavenly Father.

Thank You God.

Using Mental Illness As a Cop Out...

I have a mental illness; I suffer from depression and anxiety. And I take little white pills to help me cope with my illness. Over the last two weeks of my life I have descended into some pretty low places, even having thoughts about "that" but knowing that I would never do it. I have had angry outbursts and occasionally behaved in ways that I should not have. But throughout all of this, I have never disrespected someone to the point where I have hurt them deeply. This I know, because everyone who I have had dealings with over the last two weeks is still speaking to me, and loving me just the same!

The same can't be said for others I know that suffer from a mental illness and how they have treated me. I know that mental illness does CRAZY things to one's brain; I go there all the time, I KNOW! But having a mental illness should not be license to disrespect people and hurt their feelings, and avoid them like they have the plague!

My feelings have been hurt (can you tell?). Someone whom I thought was a friend and a support, for reasons of their own mental illness, hurt my feelings badly. We are now not speaking outside a hello, goodbye and occasional unavoidable communication that we still must have.
As I am a flight person I have left this person alone. But it still hurts. I would desperately love to be a fight person and sort out what the issue is and mend bridges, but with dealing with my own mental illness at this point in time I am avoiding what could possibly be a confrontational situation. In fact, I'm avoiding all confrontational situations at this point in time!

But it got me thinking how some people with mental illness will use the illness as a cop out for not really dealing with the issue at hand; themselves. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the word, and I will be the first to apologise for any crazy, mental illness related behaviour, but I am dealing with mine.
I don't like to be hurt and I don't like to hurt others. But why should I use my mental illness to deflate others? I shouldn't. Should I use my mental illness as a crutch to get through life? No, I shouldn't. Should I put every negative thing I do down to the fact that I have a mental illness? No. But why not? More like, why for? What does it gain?

It loses friends for you, it makes others uncomfortable, it hurts people and it scars! It also stops the person from confronting - really dealing with - the issue at hand; the issue of their mental illness. The fact that they need to actively get help to get better.

Now I don't know what this person is doing to get better, but I do know that I am praying that healing comes. I recognised all the signs in this person as I have acted the same. So, I knew what was coming. But, nevertheless, it still hurts.

If you have a mental illness, don't let it define who you are or use it as an excuse to live out your illness and hurt others. People deserve better, especially when they don't understand all there is to know about mental illness. I'm blessed in that I do know and I've cut this person some slack and provided space. Others may not be so blessed.

God Knows Everything...

How do you forgive someone for things that they don't know that you know about that have hurt you?

Wow, what a crazy question! But seriously...how do you?

If someone has done something that you've found out about, that they don't know you know about, that has directly impacted you - and hurt you...terribly - how do you forgive them? How do you set yourself free from the bondage that it has over you?

This is the dilemma I face at this point in time. And it's hard, and it hurts.

I told God how much it hurt this morning. I asked Him to help show me how to overcome it. He answered with this -

"Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." - Micah 7:18-19 (NIV)

One thing I need to remember is that God knows everything. Yes...GOD. KNOWS. EVERYTHING. And despite knowing everything, He does not stay angry and He shows mercy.

He also knows why we all do the things we do. He knows what is in our hearts and what is on our minds. There is NO fooling God. He knows that one action by us will eventually lead to another being hurt, whether we know it or not. And He knows why others do the things they do. And He knows that such things will hurt us. And, as He showed me just the other night, He hurts because we hurt.

But the great part about God is that despite all of this...despite the sins of others, and our sins against Him, which ultimately is what all our sins are, He forgives us all. The passage above tells us that He "will tread our sins underfoot". He will squash them. He casts them off and remembers them no more.

That is my lesson to learn. As tough as it will be, I need to stop thinking about the sins of others against me. No matter how much I am hurting! I firmly believe that I know what I know because God wanted me to find out. He wanted me to see what was being done against Him - and me - and to know about it so I can be where I am today.

I will never understand why the person who hurt me did these things. I do understand, however, that God does and that is enough for me.

So, every time I start to think about the whys and wherefores of all this, I will stop myself and remember that God knows all and God pardons all. He does not stay angry and neither should I. He shows compassion and so must I. He does not remember our sins, so I must not remember the sins of others, or my sin. I will not forget the hurt, but reliance in God will lessen the pain. And His love for me, and my love for Him, will keep my head held up and my heart whole.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for showing me this valuable lesson. I pray that I am fully able to forgive the sins of others against me, which are sins against you. I pray that the hurt I feel will fade and that my trust in You will increase as You protect my heart from the hurt. In Jesus' Mighty Name, Amen.