BF2013: Today Was All About...

Shopping
Hanging out with my bestie
Visiting with family
Welcoming my girl home
Lively and heart repairing discussions
God filling my heart with even more love and peace and clarity than I imagined

All in all, a day well spent

Paula xoxo

Two Words...

I am a supporter of the Hope Foundation, which was started by Bronwen Healy five years ago. The foundation "exists to bring hope, help and healing... to the hurting of people of the nation, based in Brisbane, primarily women in the areas of addiction and those caught in the sex industry - both those involved and their loved ones."

In the Vimeo clip below that I watched tonight, Bronwen spoke two words that made me break down and cry.

Sexual brokenness.


Without going into detail, I am sexually broken. And hearing those words spoke out aloud by Bronwen was like hearing God saying them. But I think that was all part of His plan.

I'm not quite ready to share the burden that has been my life over the past 24 years since becoming sexually active, but God is ready to take the burden and heal me so that I can heal.

I know that God has walked with me through my life's journey as an adult despite my poor choices. He equips us as He sees fit; to the extent to which He knows we can handle the pain, grow from it and help others. I believe that He has been working in me this way for the last 24 years, and that the lessons I've learnt - the hard way - will be passed on to not only my daughter, but also countless other girls and women who also suffer from sexual brokenness.

In Him always,

Abuse is Abuse, Thanks Carlos...

Ladies. Abuse is abuse. Verbal, spiritual, physical. It's all abuse. Don't make excuses for a man who abuses you. It's not worth it. -- Carlos Whittaker (@loswhit)

I have a lot of respect for Carlos Whittaker as he tells life like it is. He's not ashamed to talk about his weaknesses and struggles, and he's also not scared to talk about the injustice of life here on earth. Throughout all of it he gives glory to God by his openness and honesty.

This tweet above resonated with me earlier today because I've suffered from verbal and emotional abuse, even a little bit of physical, if the truth be known. While I'm no longer involved on an immediate level with my abusers, the damage they did has left scars. Scars that can't be seen but are felt whenever I am, or anyone else around me is, placed in a similar situation that I once was.

Call it post-traumatic stress (PTS) if you like, because I believe that we all suffer from it to a certain degree based on bad experiences we've had. And it takes a lot of strength to overcome it. One way I am slowly overcoming mine is by remembering who I am (loved, adored, cherished, valued) and whose I am (God's girl, daughter of the King) and that regardless of what has occurred in my past, God only wants for me to be healed, to suffer no more.

How can I not suffer when I feel my defences and resolve crumbling at the mere hint of a reminder?

This is how...

By calling on the name of Jesus when I feel the PTS coming on.
Remembering that those who hurt me did so because they are hurt people.
Guiding my thoughts to a new place so that I look to the future and not the past.

Recovering from PTS can be a long process irrespective of the viciousness and kind of abuse inflicted by the abuser. We all get wounded by abuse and we all carry scars from it.

One way, and my way, to overcome and work to move on from abuse, is to leave my past where it belongs, focus on Jesus and His unconditional love, and look towards the future free of the abusers from my past.

Paula xo

Going Through The Motions (Again)...

Ending a relationship is never easy. The downhill journey to where I am now in regard to my last love relationship has been a very bumpy one, and it seems the ride is not yet over.

I've said goodbye many times but keep returning. What also returns is the shame, hurt and indescribable suffering.

But I hope this time is the last time. My health cannot do it anymore. My well-being is at stake. And I've now told him this.

It doesn't stop me from missing him. From remembering every single little detail there is to remember from our brief time together over 5 years ago.

You see, I fell in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world. One whom I met when very young, was then "lost" forever in my life but returned again.

Part of my "going through the motions" is wishing I had never found him again. That I had not given my heart to him. That I had journeyed through the last 6 plus years without his influence in my life.

But then I would not have returned to Jesus. I would not be the woman I am today, complete with emotional scars that feel like they will smart forever.

But God has it under control. He knows that I am tough enough to deal with the hurt, shame, regret and heartache. He knows who I will be when I come out the other side...healed, whole and restored.

I miss the man I fell in love with, but remind myself that he wasn't who he appeared to be. That I was kept conventiently at a very large distance, and that I was a case of "having his cake and eating it too" despite his declarations of love (see my previous post for my thoughts on love and action).

I am hurting. I have a lot happening in my life. But I am hanging in there purely by the mighty grace of my Father God. He is the reason I can carry on.

Paula xo

My Shame...

It lives with me daily. Very rarely does a day go by without it haunting me. Images from a past life, and in the media, tug at me, reminding me of a place from which I'm thankful to have left. But the pain lingers.

I don't know how long it will be before I can look at myself without hating the fact that I feel shame from my past. But God knows. And in that truth I rest my suffering on Him.

On God, who did not want to see it happen to me, but knew that I could handle the hurt and live to share what I know with others.

And that's the crux of it all. The fact that I must share my shame to be healed from it. And one day I will.

My close friends know of my shame. They know of the hurt I've felt from having my heart, mind, body and soul ripped apart. They know how worthless I've felt, and how filled with shame I still feel.

The day is nearing when I know I will be released of this shame. But I know that God has some more plans for me yet. Mote growth. More healing.

So until that day I hold onto my shame, but am comforted to know that Jesus is right here with me holding it too.

Paula xo

No Longer Believing Lies...

Used, abused, treated like a silly girl, and always made to feel in the wrong...

I could go on, but listing how I was made to feel will only be detrimental to me. It’s bad enough that I still remember, and feel, the emotion behind these things, let alone listing them all. And no, my situation is NOT as bad as it seems from the first two words in my list, but it did leave me feeling less of a woman, less of a person and a second class citizen for a while.

What happened to me? I ask myself the same question, as sometimes I feel numb towards the harshness of it all. The harsh reality of what I actually allowed myself to go through and to tolerate. But then again, I am not surprised, as I’ve lived my life feeling numb towards a lot of things.

About six years ago depression reared its ugly head in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back now, I can see the evidence. I can see me becoming less and less motivated. Losing interest in my appearance. Not wanting to do things. Preferring to stay at home rather than go out. Not even having the confidence to buy clothes. Some pretty sad recollections actually.

Fast forward almost six years and I’ve moved from being a mum in a de facto relationship with someone who I should have known better than to be with, to a single woman and solo parent who allowed herself to be led down a path where nobody who was raised in a good Christian home should go. What was I thinking?

The answer is that I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking when I hooked up with my daughter’s father, and I wasn’t thinking when I allowed my mind, body, heart and soul to be infiltrated by the exact thing that God opposes – sexual immorality. Yes, I’ve said it. SEXUAL. IMMORALITY.

I’m not going to hide the fact anymore that I have led a promiscuous life. From being a somewhat shy little 16 year old telling the older male workmate that “No, I’m not into sex” at the Christmas dinner, to being the girl 2 years later that, well...let’s just say, I did lots of things by then that I should not have.

I’m not ashamed anymore, and I’m not embarrassed. God is forgiving and merciful, and if any readers can’t be, then take it up with God; He is the only One I answer to.

I have many emotional scars that are rough and rugged and hurt often. A photo here, a song there, a memory that will pop into my head, a feeling, an emotion...I don’t need condemnation from the world because of my promiscuous past; I live every day with reminders with me. Things that the enemy wants to condemn me with.

“You bad girl, Paula. How could you do that? How could you disappoint your family? How could you let someone do that to you?”

Lie after lie after lie. He spits it at me. He shows me a face that makes my heart leap and says, “Yes, you know you want that!” He brings up a news headline that forces my mind back to another time and he says, “See what you’re missing out on Paula!”

But no...not anymore. I’m not going to stand for the enemy’s lies in my life. I know fact over feeling. I know that what I experienced was NOT what God wanted, but a choice I made based on who I WAS at the time. But God has changed me since then, and I moved on. It took quite some time, and the pain is still very raw and very real for me. But I am in a better place. I am with God. I am rebuilding His temple. I am restoring my dignity. I am renewing my life. I am replacing lies with truth.

The enemy can no longer lie to me. He cannot send someone my way to sweep me off my feet again without first getting passed my Heavenly Father who is protecting me from the worlds lies, depravity and ways.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for saving me from a fragmented life; a life where I was balancing on the fence. The journey has been painful, and continues to hurt, but I know that You are with me every step of the way. Never leaving my side, and never telling me that I am anything but Your precious daughter. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.

Fact Not Feeling...

These three simple words, straight from God, to remind me of how it is.

God has been telling me these words for about four or more weeks now. I finally ‘got it’ a week ago after I received a very inappropriate email from someone of whom I’ve been trying to heal myself of for quite some time now.

The facts had all been laid out in front of me for a while now (years actually!). My head knew the real deal, but my heart had to catch up. It’s a horrible situation to be in, but at the same time it’s very strengthening and it builds character. And how my character has been built!

To go into a relationship thinking that “this is it” and to feel such immeasurable joy is delightful; pure delight actually. But to do this while being mixed up, insecure and impressionable...well, it’s not so delightful. I felt I had found myself. I felt loved, wanted and valued. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. The upside is that I now know what true love, wanting and value is.

True love is not expecting anything in return, but also being able to ask for something in return. True love is SHOWING the other person you love them by your actions, not by what you say. True wanting is not about taking what the other person has to offer on the outside, but wanting what is on the inside of a person; getting to know them and their spiritual side. True value is remembering that the other person is a CHILD OF GOD, and deserves to be treated as such...not taken down to the world’s level and used accordingly.

I watched a Sy Rogers DVD the other night and in it I was reminded that there are some things in life that God doesn’t want His children to be exposed to. I’m sad to say that I’ve been exposed to some things in life that I now wish I’d never been exposed to. The depravity and immorality of the world that we live in shows no depths or bounds. I am just very thankful that I am healing from that exposure and finding my TRUE WORTH again through Jesus and a forgiving Father in Heaven.

I have a story to tell; my story. I want to tell it, but first I have to let the facts and not my feelings direct the path I’m on. The hurt is still a little too fresh and I still have some healing to do. I am thankful that I have a wonderful support network of patient and understanding family and friends who have stuck by my side during this time.

You can’t make your heart “get” what your head already knows. It takes time. And it takes a loving Jesus and a forgiving and understanding Father to do so. If you’re battling a crisis, an upheaval where you can see no end, please take some relief from the fact that the crisis will come to an end, the upheaval will dissipate, and you WILL find relief.

Fact not feeling; God presents the facts then you give your feelings over to Him. Only He can balance the scale. Don’t do it alone.

God is a God of Love, Healing and Hope...

It was what it was. The evidence is there. The hurt has been felt. But forgiveness has come. Resentment has been overcome. Hearts have been mended.

Moving on from a love relationship is difficult at any time. Moving on from one where there was an ocean separating both parties is even more difficult. It was what it was. He and I share our memories. He and I are now recovering from our hurt.

Does it take a strong person to still love and care for someone whom they adored and wanted to spend the rest of their life with? Even with the hurt? Yes, I believe it does. I believe it takes God's love and grace to be able to do so. And that is what I felt last night.

Healing. Restoration. Closure. New promise. Hope.

Healing from a God who loves me as far as the east is from the west.
Restoration from a God who believes that His children deserve a complete and full heart of love.
Closure on a period of my life where God was always present.
New promise of a future living as God intended me to live.
Hope for whatever He brings my way next.

God is a God of love. Complete love. Fulfilling love. Grace-filled love.

Never under-estimate the power of His love for you. I never knew this love in it's completeness. I never fully understood it. Not until I learnt how to love myself how He loves me.

Healing a Broken Heart...

I'm on a journey. It's a journey that I started over a year ago. The terrain on this journey was flat and steady for the first six months. Then a bolt from out of the blue hit the road and I encountered a bump. About a month after that another one. Then consistently up until just last week the road got steeper, with more bumps, a couple of detours and then what feels like a dead end.

I enjoyed travelling the road...when it was easy going. The last nine months? No...not as enjoyable. But the positive side to this bumpy journey? I have survived it. My final destination - which is to exit the wilderness I've been in as far as my confidence, etc goes - is still about 8 weeks away but I am now on the road that God chose for me. His road. The narrow road.

What has this got to do with healing a broken heart? Well...my heart was broken when the bolt from out of the blue hit about nine months ago. Trust in my travelling companion was shaken. My journey was disrupted. What I had come to believe was a special journey became not so special. There was a blotch on the road map. One that couldn't easily be erased.

I've had my heart broken a number of times in my life. I've looked for love in the wrong places and I have paid the price. "The scars of life" was what my ex-husband would call cuts that had healed but left a mark. The same can be said for the marks that have been left on my heart. I don't think my heart ever properly healed after it was first broken. Then I let it happen again and again and again. I won't keep typing the word "again", as having to read so many "agains' won't make for an interesting blog post!

My journey over the last 9 months has resulted in me being slowly restored. A lot of my restoration has come just from this Easter weekend. Good Friday was spent at home not feeling well because of an ill chosen dinner selection the night before. Just knowing that it was the day when my Saviour hung on a cross and bled and died for me...well, it made my pain a little easier to bear.

Saturday evening - after a rather upsetting afternoon caused by my fruit grower - was the real beginning of my restoration after spending time with friends. Restoration came not through feeling sorry for myself; it came from putting the afternoon behind me and enjoying the fellowship of other Christians.

Today - Resurrection Sunday - gave me the opportunity again to spend time with Christian friends and to marvel in the grace that has been bestowed upon me through Jesus dying on the cross and then rising again. He did it for me...to heal my broken heart...to restore my dignity...to find my worth...and to fall even further in love with Him.

He sat next to me today in church; Jesus the Gentleman. He's visited me in church before, standing in front of me as I worshipped Him. But today He sat next to me during communion. I could feel His presence as I pondered what it meant to partake of His body and blood. Looking back now I realise that He was restoring my heart with His body - covering up my wounds - and pouring His blood into my heart for it to beat more strongly and steadily for Him.

I came home from church this evening a changed woman. I spent time with a lady of whom I consider a dear and trusted friend. We have known each other for over 25 years, but have only become close recently. But, she is the one who, during my journey over the last nine months, provided me with my first breakthrough as to the power of God and my lack thereof.

God IS healing my broken heart. He sent Jesus to die on the cross and to rise from the dead over 2000 years ago so that my heart could be healed now. He sent fruit growers and bolts from out of the blue into my life to help me wake up to the fact that I so desperately need Him. He sent friends into my life to help restore my dignity and to take away the guilt and shame I've felt for so long about events that have occurred in my life. He sent special people - gifts - into my life to provide comfort and support when I needed them most. These gifts have also provided me with great trials, but despite the heartache I still love and appreciate these people.

Thank You Heavenly Father for taking me on the journey that I'm on. Thank You, in spite of the pain and heartache, that I have grown into the woman I am today - Your Princess - and that I will continue to grow. May the lessons I have learnt be a blessing to others just as my friends and gifts have been a blessing to me. In Jesus' Mighty Name, Amen.



A postscript verse just found now via Zondervan Daily Bible Verse and so approriate for this post -

"In [Christ] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace." - Ephesians 1:7 (NIV)

A "Moment": The Other Side of the Yoke...

I've just been reading the latest Zondervan email titled "I Will Give You Rest", where it gives an excerpt from Ann Spangler's book "Praying the Names of Jesus" and I have officially had "a moment". I am speechless, my heart has done a full turn inside my chest and the emotion that has welled up is incredible. All I want to do is to run away from work and be alone with Jesus, but as I can't, I will have to do it here from work. Here is the excerpt -

""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28–30).

One of the most winsome promises Jesus made to his followers was the promise of rest. But when was the last time you felt rested? Part of the secret of receiving the rest Jesus speaks of is to be sure that we are wearing the right "yoke." A yoke is an instrument used to harness two animals together so that they can combine their strength to carry a load. Jesus tells us his burden is light not because it is easy but because he is on the other side of the yoke, helping us to serve with his strength. Ask Jesus to free you, his servant, from burdens he does not want you to carry."

What affected me so much? It was this sentence - "Jesus tells us his burden is light not because it is easy but because he is on the other side of the yoke, helping us to serve with his strength." Specifically the words "...he is on the other side of the yoke...". You get that?

"He is on the other side of the yoke."

I'm all about imagery and feeling the image on the inside, right down deep in my heart, in my soul, and in the core of me where I know I need it most so I can heal. This has done it, or at least part of it. This moment is definitely up there with when I felt Jesus with me at church, where I saw Him, heard Him and felt Him. "Praying the Names of Jesus" is definitely a book that I will be reading. With every e-newsletter that has come through regarding this book, I have gleaned a new understanding and appreciation about my Saviour.

Dear Saviour Jesus, thank you so much for this moment. Thank you the reminder I so need; that I am not doing this worldly existence alone, that you are right by my side and right where I need you. Praying thanks in your Wonderful Name, Amen.

PS: After re-reading the email, another sentence stands out, being - "A yoke is an instrument used to harness two animals together so that they can combine their strength to carry a load." It's very comforting to know that I am harnessed together with Jesus; a team and a pair. It is a very comforting thought.

Yes to God Tuesday: Chapter Four - Speaking Truth to Your Issues...

I'm a week behind, but I WILL catch up on this amazing study of Jennifer Rothschild's book "Self Talk, Soul Talk", which is hosted by Lelia at Write From the Heart.

Jennifer opens this chapter by talking about the bleeding woman from Matthew 9:20-22 (also see Mark 5:25-34). She talks how “this woman had a single, insurmountable issue, and she had endured it for 12 long years.” Doesn’t that sound familiar? Yes, it does. We have issues that we endure, that “complicate everything”, that “challenge us, drain us, isolate us, and perplex us.” We really don’t do ourselves any good when we have issues, especially when we don’t talk to ourselves the way in which we should. I know that for me, I speak to myself so badly that it amazes me.

This woman, however, knew how to talk the right talk to herself and her soul. She put her talk into actions - she talked and walked by faith - and “she reached out her hand and touched Jesus.” And what did He do? He healed her. She knew that if she could only touch Him then He would heal her, and she was right. Why did she know this? Because “she talked to herself”.

But, she didn’t just talk some namby pamby talk to cover up the fact that she’d tried for 12 years via various means to rid herself of her bleeding. “She spoke words of wisdom and truth to her soul.” She no longer was relying on self help, on doctors to cure her, on magic cures. No, she gave up on all those things, and told herself, in wisdom and in truth, to go to the One who she knew could heal her. She didn’t just talk herself into it, she knew. “Her faith invited healing.” Jennifer expands on this and tells how “Jesus never said her soul talk made her well. He said it was her faith...Her soul talk contributed to her faith, but it didn’t replace her faith.”

I love how Jennifer writes that “it’s essential that we center our soul talk on the truth of Scripture and on our faith in Christ.” I guess the key here is that we need to stop thinking that what WE think and tell ourselves will make everything better. No, it won’t. Only faith and trust in God will do that. We must base our self talk and our soul talk on the truth of that fact.

One way of doing this is what Jennifer tells about what she did one day. She “wrenched her gaze from my own crowd of problems and focused for a moment completely on God.” I’ve done that. I’ve been in the midst of a mental, emotional and physical breakdown and literally grabbed for God, leaned on Him, pleaded with Him and sought after Him to release me from my own crazy self talk. Release from my problems only comes from seeking Him through prayer and reading the Scriptures. His truth is in there, His guidance is in there, but we need to learn to stop trying to talk ourselves into feeling good based on what we know. We know nothing compared to Him.

Jennifer leads us into the topic of self-control. I know that my self-control is weak at times. I do, think and say things that are completely nuts and completely against what I know as truth. My 'insane' mind crowds out my 'sane' mind, which I know is the truth. I need, like Jennifer has, “to rely instead on the Spirit’s control in my life – God’s Spirit.”

Jennifer runs through the four roles that the Spirit has in our lives: Counsellor, Christ’s Representative, Teacher and Reminder. A study question at the end of the chapter asks the reader to identify which out of the four roles are needed most in our lives. I answered that I need all of them. As Counsellor so I accept the truth – His truth – in my life instead of worrying about what people think of me. As Christ’s Representative to quieten myself and to hear what the Spirit is saying to me, and asking Him for help when times get tough. As Teacher so I can learn more from God, become less reliant on self while learning how to understand myself better; to know the Paula that God knows. And as a Reminder that God created me “just the way I am”, that I am special, I am His, and I have a purpose.

I could write more and more about this amazing chapter, but time doesn’t allow for it. What I do need to do though is to make sure that I think “praiseworthy” thoughts so that I (and I absolutely love how Jennifer hits home in only a few words with things) “end up at the destination of truth.”

“...destination of truth...”

We all know where that is; right where God’s Spirit is. Jennifer says that “if we follow God’s Spirit, we trade our negative and unprofitable thoughts for thoughts that are positive and fruitful. He is the One who leads us to know what is worthy of our thought closet and what should be thrown in the Dumpster.”

The bleeding woman knew where to find the "destination of truth". Jennifer's closing sentence in the chapter reads -

"She told herself the truth, and that led her straight to Jesus. May you be that woman."

Yes, may I be that woman, and may you be that woman also.

...He turned and looked at her, saying "take heart daughter...your faith has healed you", and from that moment she was healed..." (Paraphrased from Matthew 9:22 NIV)

Speak truth about your issues to yourself with wisdom that our Lord God blesses you with. Remember who you are in Him. We are not 'fashionistas' from the Dumpster; we wear Heavenly Realm fashion, and we must not forget that.

(My post on "Chapter 5 - Tune In: Awake, My Soul" is on its way soon. Now that the introduction to school week is over, life is settling down somewhat at home. Jennifer has some amazing stuff to share in this book, and the book is well worth the read!)