Two Words...

I am a supporter of the Hope Foundation, which was started by Bronwen Healy five years ago. The foundation "exists to bring hope, help and healing... to the hurting of people of the nation, based in Brisbane, primarily women in the areas of addiction and those caught in the sex industry - both those involved and their loved ones."

In the Vimeo clip below that I watched tonight, Bronwen spoke two words that made me break down and cry.

Sexual brokenness.


Without going into detail, I am sexually broken. And hearing those words spoke out aloud by Bronwen was like hearing God saying them. But I think that was all part of His plan.

I'm not quite ready to share the burden that has been my life over the past 24 years since becoming sexually active, but God is ready to take the burden and heal me so that I can heal.

I know that God has walked with me through my life's journey as an adult despite my poor choices. He equips us as He sees fit; to the extent to which He knows we can handle the pain, grow from it and help others. I believe that He has been working in me this way for the last 24 years, and that the lessons I've learnt - the hard way - will be passed on to not only my daughter, but also countless other girls and women who also suffer from sexual brokenness.

In Him always,

Keep Love Sacred...

Photo Source

Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.

– Song of Solomon 2:7 NLT

The “young woman” in Solomon’s book tells the other young women of Jerusalem to keep love sacred until the right time.  “Not to awaken love until it is ready.”  What love is she talking about?

She is talking about the physical connection between a man and woman.  She is talking about the physical desire that is met when a man and woman have sexual relations with each other.  She is talking about the prize that God wants His children to experience. The prize that He wants us to receive after we have courted each other, become betrothed, and then married in front of God and man, and in keeping with the laws of the day. It is the culmination of man and woman joining; first by talking together, spending time together and experiencing life together; all while getting to know each other before joining as one in marriage and in flesh.

The mistake that is made – that I made – was physically joining with another before even getting to know them. What I didn’t know, and what many young girls and women of all ages don’t know is that we bond emotionally with a man when that happens. We may not know him, but we have formed a bond. As women we can feel that having sexual relations with a man will fill the emotional need that we’re lacking, but it won’t. Only the love of God can so that.

So, a relationship doesn’t work out after we’ve given it our all, literally, and we part. But then we wonder why we can’t move on. It’s because we, as women, have given part of ourselves to men. We allow men inside our core – literally. This giving of ourselves has a many-sided effect. We physically join with a man through sex, and unbeknown to many of us, we also join spiritually and mentally, as well as emotionally.

We’re thriving on “happy love and acceptance hormones”. But that may only for a while until reality sets in, and in a lot of cases it then wears off. We then feel a longing in ourselves again. An empty void. That longing is the seed of God’s love for us calling to us for reciprocation. That is our subliminal and natural desire – our inbuilt longing – for a relationship with God crying out.

God knew exactly what He was doing when He made us. He gave us commands for living for a reason. He told us to only join with another after marriage because He wanted us, and still wants us, to join as one under Him, through Him and with Him. Not just to feel accepted by another and to fulfil a physical need.

God also wanted us, and still wants us, to love Him first and foremost. I learned this the difficult way. I did things back to front. I’ve now learned a valuable lesson from my misguided attempts to feel loved. So much so, that the outcome has been this:

“In the quest for love I found true love in my Maker.”

Twelve words that tell of my heart’s condition now. I am still on a journey where God He is mending my broken heart. I’ve written how my heart is now a mosaic. He has pieced it back together, but there are still pieces that won’t settle back into place. God has the mortar to do that. I just need to let Him have my pieces to mend.

Giving God open access to mend your heart is all you can do after you’ve given yourself away before the time was right. I am living proof of that. Almost 41 years of age and a single mother with a few broken relationships behind me. But God is making me new. He has taught me the lesson, and has been by my side throughout it all.

My advice to all women is to stick close to God at all times. When you feel yourself weakening, when you feel tempted, when it hurts like crazy and you just feel like one time won’t matter ... stick close to God. The longing will go away. He will see to it. Please don’t make my mistake by giving away all that you have before you are really ready to.

Over-sexualisation of Young Girls...

Tricia Goyer from It's Real Life posted back in February on the over-sexualisation of young girls.  I've commented on her post, as follows:

"Thanks Tricia. These points are very helpful. I have a 7yo daughter and I find it difficult at times to buy age appropriate - and form appropriate - clothes. I also had the bathing suite experience a year or so back when looking for swimmers for school. All I could find was bikinis. I ended up buying costly bathers at the swim school. I will be more mindful of what TV shows she watches, as I have caught her watching some shows with kids kissing in it. Thanks again, Paula :)"

Yes, as the mother of a 7 year old daughter, I find it difficult at times to buy clothes that aren't miniature versions of what - and excuse my brashness here - hussies and prostitutes usually wear to sell their wares!

I feel very strongly against my daughter wearing a bra when she only has a chest, not breasts.  I know she has slim, cellulite free legs, but why should she wear shorts that show off her butt cheeks?

Little girls - and older girls, teens and women, it seems - need to be taught that they are beautiful as they are and that they don't need to dress sexily to get attention.  All the attention they need they already get from God who loves them like no other.

Please click here to read Tricia's post.

No Longer Believing Lies...

Used, abused, treated like a silly girl, and always made to feel in the wrong...

I could go on, but listing how I was made to feel will only be detrimental to me. It’s bad enough that I still remember, and feel, the emotion behind these things, let alone listing them all. And no, my situation is NOT as bad as it seems from the first two words in my list, but it did leave me feeling less of a woman, less of a person and a second class citizen for a while.

What happened to me? I ask myself the same question, as sometimes I feel numb towards the harshness of it all. The harsh reality of what I actually allowed myself to go through and to tolerate. But then again, I am not surprised, as I’ve lived my life feeling numb towards a lot of things.

About six years ago depression reared its ugly head in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back now, I can see the evidence. I can see me becoming less and less motivated. Losing interest in my appearance. Not wanting to do things. Preferring to stay at home rather than go out. Not even having the confidence to buy clothes. Some pretty sad recollections actually.

Fast forward almost six years and I’ve moved from being a mum in a de facto relationship with someone who I should have known better than to be with, to a single woman and solo parent who allowed herself to be led down a path where nobody who was raised in a good Christian home should go. What was I thinking?

The answer is that I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking when I hooked up with my daughter’s father, and I wasn’t thinking when I allowed my mind, body, heart and soul to be infiltrated by the exact thing that God opposes – sexual immorality. Yes, I’ve said it. SEXUAL. IMMORALITY.

I’m not going to hide the fact anymore that I have led a promiscuous life. From being a somewhat shy little 16 year old telling the older male workmate that “No, I’m not into sex” at the Christmas dinner, to being the girl 2 years later that, well...let’s just say, I did lots of things by then that I should not have.

I’m not ashamed anymore, and I’m not embarrassed. God is forgiving and merciful, and if any readers can’t be, then take it up with God; He is the only One I answer to.

I have many emotional scars that are rough and rugged and hurt often. A photo here, a song there, a memory that will pop into my head, a feeling, an emotion...I don’t need condemnation from the world because of my promiscuous past; I live every day with reminders with me. Things that the enemy wants to condemn me with.

“You bad girl, Paula. How could you do that? How could you disappoint your family? How could you let someone do that to you?”

Lie after lie after lie. He spits it at me. He shows me a face that makes my heart leap and says, “Yes, you know you want that!” He brings up a news headline that forces my mind back to another time and he says, “See what you’re missing out on Paula!”

But no...not anymore. I’m not going to stand for the enemy’s lies in my life. I know fact over feeling. I know that what I experienced was NOT what God wanted, but a choice I made based on who I WAS at the time. But God has changed me since then, and I moved on. It took quite some time, and the pain is still very raw and very real for me. But I am in a better place. I am with God. I am rebuilding His temple. I am restoring my dignity. I am renewing my life. I am replacing lies with truth.

The enemy can no longer lie to me. He cannot send someone my way to sweep me off my feet again without first getting passed my Heavenly Father who is protecting me from the worlds lies, depravity and ways.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for saving me from a fragmented life; a life where I was balancing on the fence. The journey has been painful, and continues to hurt, but I know that You are with me every step of the way. Never leaving my side, and never telling me that I am anything but Your precious daughter. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.