Some Things You Just Can't Forget...

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

This quote explains exactly how I feel at present, how I have felt in the past, and how I will most likely feel in the future. The pain of being made to feel less than what I deserve. Whether it be from a lover, a coworker, a boss, a school student, a brother, or a friend, I've experienced the pain of being made to feel hurt and humiliated.

Now, I know I'm not alone in this, as we all experience it, and from both sides. The difficult part is what Ms Angelou concludes with:

"...people will never forget how you made them feel."

That is exactly right. And what is also right is that people deal with this differently. We are all individual and all have different coping mechanisms. Some are recommended and some are not, but at the end of the day it's up to each individual to decided how best they cope. I certainly know how I cope, and while it's perhaps not the recommended way, it's my way.

Part of the way I cope is through words, hence this post. I write. I get it out. And for me it helps as I can't have how I feel bottled up inside as it makes me emotionally, physically, and mentally ill. I can't always talk it out, and sometimes it is never talked about again. But that is how I cope.

I know I take crazy risks by being this way, but that is me. I'm stubborn, timid, vulnerable, strong, a smart mouth and a little crazy. Alternative aspects of my personality constantly playing against each other. I can live with that. God can too. And for that I am thankful.

Paula xo

Fact Not Feeling...

These three simple words, straight from God, to remind me of how it is.

God has been telling me these words for about four or more weeks now. I finally ‘got it’ a week ago after I received a very inappropriate email from someone of whom I’ve been trying to heal myself of for quite some time now.

The facts had all been laid out in front of me for a while now (years actually!). My head knew the real deal, but my heart had to catch up. It’s a horrible situation to be in, but at the same time it’s very strengthening and it builds character. And how my character has been built!

To go into a relationship thinking that “this is it” and to feel such immeasurable joy is delightful; pure delight actually. But to do this while being mixed up, insecure and impressionable...well, it’s not so delightful. I felt I had found myself. I felt loved, wanted and valued. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. The upside is that I now know what true love, wanting and value is.

True love is not expecting anything in return, but also being able to ask for something in return. True love is SHOWING the other person you love them by your actions, not by what you say. True wanting is not about taking what the other person has to offer on the outside, but wanting what is on the inside of a person; getting to know them and their spiritual side. True value is remembering that the other person is a CHILD OF GOD, and deserves to be treated as such...not taken down to the world’s level and used accordingly.

I watched a Sy Rogers DVD the other night and in it I was reminded that there are some things in life that God doesn’t want His children to be exposed to. I’m sad to say that I’ve been exposed to some things in life that I now wish I’d never been exposed to. The depravity and immorality of the world that we live in shows no depths or bounds. I am just very thankful that I am healing from that exposure and finding my TRUE WORTH again through Jesus and a forgiving Father in Heaven.

I have a story to tell; my story. I want to tell it, but first I have to let the facts and not my feelings direct the path I’m on. The hurt is still a little too fresh and I still have some healing to do. I am thankful that I have a wonderful support network of patient and understanding family and friends who have stuck by my side during this time.

You can’t make your heart “get” what your head already knows. It takes time. And it takes a loving Jesus and a forgiving and understanding Father to do so. If you’re battling a crisis, an upheaval where you can see no end, please take some relief from the fact that the crisis will come to an end, the upheaval will dissipate, and you WILL find relief.

Fact not feeling; God presents the facts then you give your feelings over to Him. Only He can balance the scale. Don’t do it alone.