Ending a relationship is never easy. The downhill journey to where I am now in regard to my last love relationship has been a very bumpy one, and it seems the ride is not yet over.
I've said goodbye many times but keep returning. What also returns is the shame, hurt and indescribable suffering.
But I hope this time is the last time. My health cannot do it anymore. My well-being is at stake. And I've now told him this.
It doesn't stop me from missing him. From remembering every single little detail there is to remember from our brief time together over 5 years ago.
You see, I fell in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world. One whom I met when very young, was then "lost" forever in my life but returned again.
Part of my "going through the motions" is wishing I had never found him again. That I had not given my heart to him. That I had journeyed through the last 6 plus years without his influence in my life.
But then I would not have returned to Jesus. I would not be the woman I am today, complete with emotional scars that feel like they will smart forever.
But God has it under control. He knows that I am tough enough to deal with the hurt, shame, regret and heartache. He knows who I will be when I come out the other side...healed, whole and restored.
I miss the man I fell in love with, but remind myself that he wasn't who he appeared to be. That I was kept conventiently at a very large distance, and that I was a case of "having his cake and eating it too" despite his declarations of love (see my previous post for my thoughts on love and action).
I am hurting. I have a lot happening in my life. But I am hanging in there purely by the mighty grace of my Father God. He is the reason I can carry on.