I Have to Stop...

What do you do when you have nothing? Nothing inside to give. No energy or enthusiasm. For me, I been told I have to stop. I must come to a stand still to regroup before I can move forward again.

I'm feeling rather discombobulated at the moment. I've realised the lies of my life, and now the truth, is sinking in. And the truth hurts ... a lot.

I thought that I'd be OK post relationship breakdown, and I've been moving along quite steadily. Until this last week or so. I guess the grieving process - the healing process - moved up to the next notch. And boy does it hurt.

Flashes of happy memories mixed with flashes of the truth that is in the now. The lie that is, and was my last relationship.

It's a bittersweet realisation that someone who made my life seem complete is also the one who tore me down, made me lose my dignity, and brushed me off as a confused person.

I know that I've had my "confused" moments in life, but I do know for a fact that I am NOT confused about what is right and wrong as far as God is concerned. There is no confusing how we are made as humans, nor how we are to interact, and with whom.

Anger is festering up on the inside of me because of this person's deception and the affect it's had on me. I don't want that to be the case. I want to move on and get on with my life. I want to forgive him for the hurt he has caused me, but I want him to suffer just as much as I am right now.

God has told me that in order to get over my anger and to forgive him, I have to stop.

I have to let the grieving process take it's course. I have to let the myriad of emotions be released.

I have to let God do what He needs to do within me so I can live and love again.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. 
- Psalm 27:7 NLT

The presence of the Lord is all around me. Every day I hear and feel His gentle reminders of my worth, and that He has something - and someone - so much better in store for me.

What is also around me, especially at night, are the memories, the horrid visions that come in my dreams. I have been having these dreams now for over two years, and I know now that it is God showing me - etching onto my core - what the truth of my last relationship was.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day.
- Psalm 91:5 NLT 

The terrors of the night are my dreams, and the arrows that fly in the day are the memories of him. And knowing that he is out there living his life without me and thinking that there is nothing wrong with him; that it's all me. That really hurts.

But ... God and I know different. And God is my witness to what the truth is and He has shared that with me in so many ways over the last two years of my life. He knew I needed to go through what I went through in order to be who I am today. Like I said ... it's bittersweet.

But thankfully ... "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 61:1-2 NIV) 

Being Discombobulated...

Now, I know that sharing a photo and link to a fight scene is really not appropriate for a Christian blog but go with me on it. I have shared both to show where I my interest in the word “discombobulate” came from. Yes, Robert Downey Jr as Sherlock Holmes in a fight scene. I liked the way he said “discombobulate” when going through fight techniques (yes, I like fight scenes in movies. I’m not a “chick flick” kind of girl!), but then I decided that I needed to know what it meant exactly.

Discombobulate means “to confuse or disconcert; upset; frustrate.” For example, “the speaker was completely discombobulated by the hecklers.” In the Sherlock Holmes’ fight scene, he discombobulates his opponent with a double hit to the head.

On pondering the word, I have resolved that I have been, on many occasions, discombobulated. I have been confused and disconcerted, upset and very frustrated. My anxiety has caused me to be discombobulated (in fact my psychologist and I spoke about this exact word today!). But the good news is that I am overcoming it!

I thought about Jesus when contemplating this word. Even though He was heckled, jeered, attacked, etc by those who hated him and wanted him dead, He never became discombobulated. Peter and Judas, on the other hand, were discombobulated in the hours after Jesus’ arrest. Peter because he couldn't man up and claim he knew Jesus and had been His disciple; Judas because he knew that He had sent Jesus to his death and regretted it.

What is the lesson we can learn here when comparing these men? The fact that one is God and the other were human gives a hint to why one wasn't discombobulated and the others were. But the fact that Jesus was here on earth as a man - someone who knew and experienced all that humans did - yet did not take His eyes off God is the answer to why He did not become discombobulated.

Fix your eyes on the Lord so you don't become discombobulated, confused, disconcerted, upset and frustrated.

I have moments where I am very discombobulated. It's unnerving to feel that way, and sometimes scary. But the One who is able to make all paths straight is the One that lifts me out of those moments, plants me on my two feet again and gives me a gentle nudge forward.

Life can be full of discombobulated moments. Turn your eyes to God for clear vision and a peaceful heart; it works!