Monday, 22 August 2011
I Have to Stop...
I'm feeling rather discombobulated at the moment. I've realised the lies of my life, and now the truth, is sinking in. And the truth hurts ... a lot.
I thought that I'd be OK post relationship breakdown, and I've been moving along quite steadily. Until this last week or so. I guess the grieving process - the healing process - moved up to the next notch. And boy does it hurt.
Flashes of happy memories mixed with flashes of the truth that is in the now. The lie that is, and was my last relationship.
It's a bittersweet realisation that someone who made my life seem complete is also the one who tore me down, made me lose my dignity, and brushed me off as a confused person.
I know that I've had my "confused" moments in life, but I do know for a fact that I am NOT confused about what is right and wrong as far as God is concerned. There is no confusing how we are made as humans, nor how we are to interact, and with whom.
Anger is festering up on the inside of me because of this person's deception and the affect it's had on me. I don't want that to be the case. I want to move on and get on with my life. I want to forgive him for the hurt he has caused me, but I want him to suffer just as much as I am right now.
God has told me that in order to get over my anger and to forgive him, I have to stop.
I have to let the grieving process take it's course. I have to let the myriad of emotions be released.
I have to let God do what He needs to do within me so I can live and love again.
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.
- Psalm 27:7 NLT
The presence of the Lord is all around me. Every day I hear and feel His gentle reminders of my worth, and that He has something - and someone - so much better in store for me.
What is also around me, especially at night, are the memories, the horrid visions that come in my dreams. I have been having these dreams now for over two years, and I know now that it is God showing me - etching onto my core - what the truth of my last relationship was.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day.
- Psalm 91:5 NLT
The terrors of the night are my dreams, and the arrows that fly in the day are the memories of him. And knowing that he is out there living his life without me and thinking that there is nothing wrong with him; that it's all me. That really hurts.
But ... God and I know different. And God is my witness to what the truth is and He has shared that with me in so many ways over the last two years of my life. He knew I needed to go through what I went through in order to be who I am today. Like I said ... it's bittersweet.
But thankfully ... "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 61:1-2 NIV)