God is Here...

It seems that blogging is my way of journalling. I can't and write in a journal, but I do find it easier to tap away with my thumbs on my phone screen. I find it a good release at the end of the day when my mind is so full of the day's happenings.
This morning I found out that a friend's husband was shot and killed in Afghanistan on Wednesday night. I felt shattered. Deflated. Cut down. After an emotion filled week already, hearing this just wrecked me. But it also gave me the strength to keep going.

My problems paled into insignificance...quickly.

I said goodbye to the man I love; she never got to say goodbye.

The man I love is still living, albeit not with me and a long way away; her man is dead. Gone forever. Never to breathe again.

I mourn the loss of someone whom I've known for a long time I would never be with fully; she mourns the loss of her man who she knew she could spend forever with.

Except now she can't. Except now she will be raising two girls alone. Two girls who will never get to cuddle with their daddy again like my girl got to do tonight.

Death like this puts a lot of things into perspective.

And through it all, for me anyway, God is right here with me. And I know that He is with my friend too. I don't know what her beliefs are, but it doesn't stop me from praying for her. It doesn't stop God from feeling the hurt she is feeling.

Because He is here. And for that I am thankful.

There is a lot in life to complain about, but there is even more to be thankful for.

Life and freedom are two such things. Two things that my friend's husband was helping to protect in Afghanistan.

It doesn't seem fair, but God is here, and that will be enough.

Paula xo

Death Would Have Been Easier...

When my marriage broke down in July, 1997, I remember thinking that the pain would be easier to deal with if my now ex-husband had died instead of just having left me. I feel exactly the same now about my recent relationship break up.

You see, he lives on the other side of the world. I haven't seen him for over 4 years. Our break up was messy. There was no amicable end like there was with my marriage.

If my last partner had died, I know that I would not be hurting like I am now.

To know and love someone and feel joy and happiness when thinking about him, compared to now feeling hurt, deceived and wronged ... it's painful. Knowing that he's out there enjoying his life without me - with his idiosyncrasies and all - hurts.

He said he loved me, I was his soul mate, he wanted to marry me and be with me always.

But his actions - more to the point, his actions that he didn't know I found out about - proved otherwise.

If he had died and was now sitting in heaven with Jesus; that would be easier to deal with. I know that I wouldn't be missing out (even though I keep telling myself that I'm not really). I know that I would be able to move on faster. I know that I would be able to forgive him.

Death brings such a finality that is easier to accept than just a broken relationship. For me it does anyway. Others, maybe not.

Death means that the person is no longer walking the earth, going about their daily business. Death would mean that he would not have told me that I was confused and to not contact him to communicate my thoughts on him. Death would mean that he would no longer harbour negative thoughts and opinions about me.

Death would mean that it would have been the end of the story.

Yes, our relationship is over and we no longer communicate but there is the nagging feeling within that the story was not ended right. One thing God is teaching me is that this is how the story was meant to end. It was not meant to be a nice ending. I was meant to learn something.

And I have.

I've learnt that there are some things in life that can't be explained, and that I have to wait until Heaven to get to the end of the story.

But death would have made the end seem nearer. For now, though, I will wait.

Wisdom, @loswhit & Amy Winehouse...

I'm in no doubt that you have heard the news of singer Amy Winehouse's passing on the weekend.  I was deeply saddened by this because her death is such a waste of raw, natural and God-given talent.  Addiction is a horrible condition to live with.  I've been affected by addiction, both at the hands of others and myself.  It's debilitating, no matter how deep into the addiction that the person gets. 

The general reaction on the weekend was of sadness, and also that her death seemed inevitable considering her mental and physical state.  A lot of news articles and blog posts have been written about her death (and will continue to be written), but the one that really touched me was by Carlos Whittaker (aka @loswhit on Twitter) from Ragamuffin Soul.

I have a lot of respect for Carlos as he touches on issues that a lot of Christians, and people in general, don't.  Amy Winehouse's passing is one of these issues.  His post is thought-provoking and real and you can find it here.  Please leave a comment there - and here - and share how you feel about life, death, addiction and what it all means to you.

Ever Thought About Trafficking and Death Sentences?

Yes...no...try not to?

Well, here is your chance to read about both and DO something!

The A21 Campaign "was born when the decision was made to put our hand up and be that "someone" [who should do something]. It was a decision of ordinary people who decided to take responsibility regarding the issue of human trafficking." Now sure what human trafficking is? Read here. What you read will astound you! You will also be challenged to do something. And you will find out how to!

GodChicks has brought to our attention the plight of a married mum in Pakistan named Asia. "She was arrested by police on Friday, June 19, 2009 on charges of blasphemy. Asia is the wife of 50-year-old Ashiq Masih, and their family is one of only three Christian familieis in a village of more than 1,500 families." Asia and her family need people to pray, write letters of encouragement and to be an advocate.

Life is about relationship. Helping those in need and using our gifts and talents to bring salt and light where there is darkness. And there is SO much darkness in the world, but the age of salt and light is here.

Reach out and help. Do something.