Tuesday, 21 September 2010

"How are you today, Paula?"

Trying to describe how I'm actually feeling at the moment is a difficult task. I get asked, "How are you today, Paula?" and all I can do is reply honestly and say, "I'm doing OK. Feeling a bit tired, anxious and irritable, but that will pass."

Most people that I deal with on a daily basis know that I suffer from depression and anxiety. And most know that just over a week ago my brain decided to have a meltdown.

I haven't had an anxiety attack for a while now, and I know that it's because God has had me on a journey to get to where I am now. That journey kept me positive, focused and anxiety and depression free. That all changed two weeks ago today. The enemy decided to throw a spanner in the works and upset my apple cart of peace.

I, for the first time in a long time (or even in all my life), was feeling whole. I was free of my past and was looking ahead at my future with God as Number One. The enemy, who we all know uses familiarity and lies to upset us, used the one person who I had moved on from to attempt to pull me back into the pit of despair that I had been in.

So, two weeks later...has the enemy succeeded? No. And he never will. Yes, I am feeling tired, anxious and irritable. I am still muddle-headed and don't have a lot of motivation or energy. But deep inside my heart is a warmth dwelling. A light shining. A promise that has been rewarded.

Deep inside my heart is God's love for me. In whom I am now; not defined by who I was or what I did in the past. But now. Today.

God's love for me in unconditional, unfailing, everlasting and true. He does not make pie crust promises and break them. He does not say one thing and then change His mind to mean another. He does not lord it over me to make me feel inferior. He just loves me. And through this display of love, He comforts, guides, disciplines, strengthens and heals me. He is so much more than I'd ever imagined.

So, how am I today? I am still tired, anxious and irritable, but I can give these things to God and rely on His strength to see the day through.


  1. Amen Paula!! Give it ALL to Him...all your feelings, frustations, fears and failures and see if He doesn't restore, renew and revive your heart! I love you much, my sweet friend!

  2. Paula, your head knows how much God loves you. I love how you wrote that out: His love is unconditional. But your heart needs to fully accept that too.

    I just came home from Bible Study Fellowship. This year we are studying the book of Isaiah. I was amazed that even as we only into chapter one, there are so many correlations with our world today. But the overriding theme of Isaiah is God's love for us and how He longs to draws us to Himself.

    You are loved Paula. I have to admit that I have had situational depression from time to time. I also experienced a panic attack recently for the first time in my life. Since I worked as a cardiovascular nurse for 25 years, I understand all about them but it was different experiencing it personally. I finally understand what many of the patients would describe.

    However, I'm learning through trials that God is faithful and trustworthy. And Paula, He does love us so much.

    Sending you a hug across the ocean,

  3. Love your authenticity Paula. Yes! His love for you is unconditional. This scripture is for you right now Princess Warrior Chick. Hold onto His promises. It won't always be like this.Love you. xo

    Isaiah 54:10-15 (New Century Version)

    10 The mountains may disappear,
    and the hills may come to an end,
    but my love will never disappear;
    my promise of peace will not come to an end,"
    says the Lord who shows mercy to you.

    11 "You poor city. Storms have hurt you,
    and you have not been comforted.
    But I will rebuild you with turquoise stones,
    and I will build your foundations with sapphires.
    12 I will use rubies to build your walls
    and shining jewels for the gates
    and precious jewels for all your outer walls.
    13 All your children will be taught by the Lord,
    and they will have much peace.
    14 I will build you using fairness.
    You will be safe from those who would hurt you,
    so you will have nothing to fear.
    Nothing will come to make you afraid.
    15 I will not send anyone to attack you,
    and you will defeat those who do attack you.

  4. Amen! I am so glad our victory has been won...even in the times when it feels like the enemy is closing in and things could not possibly hurt any worse...He is already there. So glad you are moving forward and that He shines so brightly in your heart. He restores. He restores. (one of my favorite David Crowder songs)