Trying to describe how I'm actually feeling at the moment is a difficult task. I get asked, "How are you today, Paula?" and all I can do is reply honestly and say, "I'm doing OK. Feeling a bit tired, anxious and irritable, but that will pass."
Most people that I deal with on a daily basis know that I suffer from depression and anxiety. And most know that just over a week ago my brain decided to have a meltdown.
I haven't had an anxiety attack for a while now, and I know that it's because God has had me on a journey to get to where I am now. That journey kept me positive, focused and anxiety and depression free. That all changed two weeks ago today. The enemy decided to throw a spanner in the works and upset my apple cart of peace.
I, for the first time in a long time (or even in all my life), was feeling whole. I was free of my past and was looking ahead at my future with God as Number One. The enemy, who we all know uses familiarity and lies to upset us, used the one person who I had moved on from to attempt to pull me back into the pit of despair that I had been in.
So, two weeks later...has the enemy succeeded? No. And he never will. Yes, I am feeling tired, anxious and irritable. I am still muddle-headed and don't have a lot of motivation or energy. But deep inside my heart is a warmth dwelling. A light shining. A promise that has been rewarded.
Deep inside my heart is God's love for me. In whom I am now; not defined by who I was or what I did in the past. But now. Today.
God's love for me in unconditional, unfailing, everlasting and true. He does not make pie crust promises and break them. He does not say one thing and then change His mind to mean another. He does not lord it over me to make me feel inferior. He just loves me. And through this display of love, He comforts, guides, disciplines, strengthens and heals me. He is so much more than I'd ever imagined.
So, how am I today? I am still tired, anxious and irritable, but I can give these things to God and rely on His strength to see the day through.