I didn’t realise that I’d lost what I once had until just
now. After 12 hours of feeling rather discombobulated (even in my sleep!), I
discovered that I don’t feel like me because I forgot who ‘me’ was a long time
ago.
Was it when I decided to stop going to church at 18 years
of age?
Was it when I first lost my virginity and thought that
men could fill the hole in my soul?
Was it when I got married? Got divorced? Met my daughter’s
father? Separated from him? Became a single mum? Had my heart ripped apart by
my last relationship?
When exactly was it?
I honestly don’t know, but I do know that I started
losing ‘me’ the moment that I started putting God anywhere but in first place.
As I sit here in bed, tired from being awake until 3am
from discombobulation (aka insomnia fuelled from my head trying desperately to
defrag itself into some sort of order!), after a week of being sick with a head
cold, with my daughter staying with a dear friend who blesses me with her love
and kindness, I realise that I have, for way too many years, been trying to
live up to the expectations of others.
The truth is that I have to go back 25+ years to remember
who ‘me’ is.
‘Me’ is the teenage girl who taught little kids about
Jesus in Sunday school.
She is the young lady who would visit antique shops and
garden nurseries with her mother.
She is the big sister who would watch He Man and
Transformer cartoons with her little brother on a Saturday morning.
She is the little girl who would play Lego towns with her
big brother on the lounge room mat.
She is the girl who would delight in eating a jelly slice
after church every Sunday.
My list could go on and on. One very definite indicator
to the fact that I lost myself many years ago is how my heart skips a beat when
I see, hear, feel, taste and smell the delights from my past. Of late all of
these senses are being delighted and revived by the connections that I have on
Instagram.
The online world has many dark sides, of which I’ve
experienced, but it also has many bright sides. Meeting new people, learning
new things, and gleaning ideas for creative pursuits are just a few of these. Today
I found “Meet Me At Mikes: Good Stuff For
Nice People”. And what a blessing this page is!
Crochet, patchwork, sewing, crafts, and the list goes on.
My heart is filled with joy at all of these creative delights that I see before
me!
Dr Caroline Leaf wrote on Twitter yesterday that “Your gift is how you uniquely think; your
genius is released when you use your gift.”
I believe that this statement applies not only to how you think, but also
in what you can do. I already know that I’m a unique thinker, and I also know
that in addition to that precious gift, another gift I have is of creativity.
My ‘genius’ in this case will then be using that gift to bless others, and
myself.
I love writing, painting, knitting, crocheting, sewing,
patchwork, baking, cooking (yes, the last two are vastly different!), cross-stitch,
needlework, drawing, photography, and so much more. And I am blessed to be
skilled at all of these things. So, instead of holding onto my past and the
poor choices I made while trying to live up to the expectations of others, I
will embrace the uniqueness of ‘me’ and return to my roots. And I must as I
have a very willing student in Miss8 (my Number One fan) who has not only taken
to knitting like a duck to water, but also hand sewing. Suffice to say, I was
given my gift of creativity to hand it onto the gift that God gave me: my
daughter, Jasmine.
Dear Lord, thank
You for the realisation that I am worthy of more than what I’ve experienced
over the last 25+ years of my life. That the real me only needs You to fill the
hole in my soul. That You gave me my gifts, including my daughter, so that I
can, today, be exactly where I am meant to be. Even during my periods of discombobulation
and hurt I will praise and thank You. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.
