I didn’t realise that I’d lost what I once had until just now. After 12 hours of feeling rather discombobulated (even in my sleep!), I discovered that I don’t feel like me because I forgot who ‘me’ was a long time ago.
Was it when I decided to stop going to church at 18 years of age?
Was it when I first lost my virginity and thought that men could fill the hole in my soul?
Was it when I got married? Got divorced? Met my daughter’s father? Separated from him? Became a single mum? Had my heart ripped apart by my last relationship?
When exactly was it?
I honestly don’t know, but I do know that I started losing ‘me’ the moment that I started putting God anywhere but in first place.
As I sit here in bed, tired from being awake until 3am from discombobulation (aka insomnia fuelled from my head trying desperately to defrag itself into some sort of order!), after a week of being sick with a head cold, with my daughter staying with a dear friend who blesses me with her love and kindness, I realise that I have, for way too many years, been trying to live up to the expectations of others.
The truth is that I have to go back 25+ years to remember who ‘me’ is.
‘Me’ is the teenage girl who taught little kids about Jesus in Sunday school.
She is the young lady who would visit antique shops and garden nurseries with her mother.
She is the big sister who would watch He Man and Transformer cartoons with her little brother on a Saturday morning.
She is the little girl who would play Lego towns with her big brother on the lounge room mat.
She is the girl who would delight in eating a jelly slice after church every Sunday.
My list could go on and on. One very definite indicator to the fact that I lost myself many years ago is how my heart skips a beat when I see, hear, feel, taste and smell the delights from my past. Of late all of these senses are being delighted and revived by the connections that I have on Instagram.
The online world has many dark sides, of which I’ve experienced, but it also has many bright sides. Meeting new people, learning new things, and gleaning ideas for creative pursuits are just a few of these. Today I found “Meet Me At Mikes: Good Stuff For Nice People”. And what a blessing this page is!
Crochet, patchwork, sewing, crafts, and the list goes on. My heart is filled with joy at all of these creative delights that I see before me!
Dr Caroline Leaf wrote on Twitter yesterday that “Your gift is how you uniquely think; your genius is released when you use your gift.” I believe that this statement applies not only to how you think, but also in what you can do. I already know that I’m a unique thinker, and I also know that in addition to that precious gift, another gift I have is of creativity. My ‘genius’ in this case will then be using that gift to bless others, and myself.
I love writing, painting, knitting, crocheting, sewing, patchwork, baking, cooking (yes, the last two are vastly different!), cross-stitch, needlework, drawing, photography, and so much more. And I am blessed to be skilled at all of these things. So, instead of holding onto my past and the poor choices I made while trying to live up to the expectations of others, I will embrace the uniqueness of ‘me’ and return to my roots. And I must as I have a very willing student in Miss8 (my Number One fan) who has not only taken to knitting like a duck to water, but also hand sewing. Suffice to say, I was given my gift of creativity to hand it onto the gift that God gave me: my daughter, Jasmine.
Dear Lord, thank You for the realisation that I am worthy of more than what I’ve experienced over the last 25+ years of my life. That the real me only needs You to fill the hole in my soul. That You gave me my gifts, including my daughter, so that I can, today, be exactly where I am meant to be. Even during my periods of discombobulation and hurt I will praise and thank You. In Jesus’ Mighty Name, Amen.