Last night I sat in the quiet of my child-free house eating mini Oreos and thinking that I should really just go to bed. But then I started thinking about my birthday, which happens next week. Am I really going to be 41? Forty-one ... even saying it sounds weird. Me ... Paula Whitehouse ... 41? Yes!
I don't feel that I am grown up enough to be 41. I don't feel qualified. But what qualifies me? How does 41 feel?
I have no answers to these questions, but I do know that I feel like I do because that is how God made me. My body's aches and pains tell me that I'm getting older. With every year, I can see my daughter is getting older, thus I am too. The gray hair that is slowly creeping into my blonde mane tells me I am getting older. Then why do I still feel timid, shy, insecure ... that others know more than me?
Again, a question that I have no answer to.
I found out today that someone I respected a lot what not who she appeared to be. Truths came out that told me that she was a fake ... a big fraud, and that I, unknowingly, fell for her charade. I tweeted about my trusting nature, knowing all the while that God gave me a trusting nature for a reason. What reason is that? Again, no answer available here.
So, as I approach my 41st birthday, and as I look in the mirror at the person looking back at me, I wonder what purpose God has for me. I know I am exactly today where I'm meant to be, but the feeling of there being more is always bubbling at the surface.
A year has gone by since I left my thirties and turned the big four-oh. I was quite proud to be turning 40. But 41, well ... it just sounds too grown up for me.
I pray that God will continue to give me answers to the questions I have, and that I will continue to focus on where He wants me to focus and not on what I want.
Click here for some of my thoughts from twelve months ago.