Death Would Have Been Easier...

When my marriage broke down in July, 1997, I remember thinking that the pain would be easier to deal with if my now ex-husband had died instead of just having left me. I feel exactly the same now about my recent relationship break up.

You see, he lives on the other side of the world. I haven't seen him for over 4 years. Our break up was messy. There was no amicable end like there was with my marriage.

If my last partner had died, I know that I would not be hurting like I am now.

To know and love someone and feel joy and happiness when thinking about him, compared to now feeling hurt, deceived and wronged ... it's painful. Knowing that he's out there enjoying his life without me - with his idiosyncrasies and all - hurts.

He said he loved me, I was his soul mate, he wanted to marry me and be with me always.

But his actions - more to the point, his actions that he didn't know I found out about - proved otherwise.

If he had died and was now sitting in heaven with Jesus; that would be easier to deal with. I know that I wouldn't be missing out (even though I keep telling myself that I'm not really). I know that I would be able to move on faster. I know that I would be able to forgive him.

Death brings such a finality that is easier to accept than just a broken relationship. For me it does anyway. Others, maybe not.

Death means that the person is no longer walking the earth, going about their daily business. Death would mean that he would not have told me that I was confused and to not contact him to communicate my thoughts on him. Death would mean that he would no longer harbour negative thoughts and opinions about me.

Death would mean that it would have been the end of the story.

Yes, our relationship is over and we no longer communicate but there is the nagging feeling within that the story was not ended right. One thing God is teaching me is that this is how the story was meant to end. It was not meant to be a nice ending. I was meant to learn something.

And I have.

I've learnt that there are some things in life that can't be explained, and that I have to wait until Heaven to get to the end of the story.

But death would have made the end seem nearer. For now, though, I will wait.