Friday, 4 February 2011

My Life is Not a Documentary...

"My life is not a documentary..."

That is the thought that came to me at work today. This last week of my life I've felt the overwhelming urge to internalise. To ponder some of the things that I do, as opposed to what others do to me. God has revealed some startling revelations to me. And no, I'm not the person who I thought I was; I am someone better. I am someone who is going to take responsibility for her not so productive actions of the past. I am someone who is now going to 'do' life a little different. How? By keeping my life problems between me and God for a while, and anyone whom the problem pertains to.

I haven't done that in the past. I've gone to humans for advice, wisdom and guidance. While this hasn't always been a bad thing (we're all made for relationship, after all), in my case I don't think that it has helped me to really become accountable for MY actions (one of the faults of being a people pleaser!). One thing I've tried to not do is quench the Spirit, but I feel I've done that. I am now feeling the Spirit guiding me in what I have to do now.

The reason I've gone to other people for advice first (aside from the people pleasing thing) is because I am impatient, I have been a tad discombobulated (a post is brewing on this amazing word!) and I've always thought how I feel and what I do has been wrong. God is showing me patience, de-discombobulating me (perhaps not a word, I know, but it sounds good!) and reassuring me that how I feel and what I do is not necessarily wrong, but a little misguided. I like to hurry. I move, speak, type, write and eat fast. I need to slow all of this down. I need to give God the proper opportunity to speak directly to my heart, to guide my soul and re-educate all aspects of me on how I do life.

I haven't written anything overly deep of late, and that's because I haven't been able to. God has wanted me to just look to Him. It's worked. I feel clarity has arrived. My direction - while I don't know exactly where I'm heading - is focused on God and what He wants me to do, not me heading in a direction and taking God along for the ride! So what does this mean for me? Well, I have no idea. I don't know what direction I'm to take. I don't know what my writing should be focused on. I don't know the answer to certain aspects of my personal life. But God does know, so I'll be going with His flow and letting Him guide me for a while. My life will be a documentary for God only.

"With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment. Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow." - Proverbs 3:5,6

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